I wake up and wonder if it is all a dream. Realizing that my love life is a nightmare.
Is it too much to ask for to be in a healthy fulfilling relationship with someone who understands your wants, needs, and desires. Someone that finds joy in helping make life easier with you.
I am not asking for the perfect man, I am asking for the perfect man for me.
I feel like I have dedicated so many years to a disaster. Instead of applying my time and joy into being with someone that appreciates love of a dedicated woman.
So now, I move on. Enjoying just the simple conversations with someone that understands most of me. Although it is not conversations with him, I don't know if I even want the conversations with him. At this point I believe my him is out there somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow perhaps, waiting on the right opportunity to proclaim his love and devotion. But if and when the appropriate time comes, will I see him? Will I feel him? Will I need him? Will I want him?
I carry the scars of many of the relationships of my past and present. I am good enough not to love wholeheartedly despite the fact that I love unconditionally. I provide the fine balance of joy and wonder, but receive only the pain of selfish despair.
But through it all, my strength is my uncanny ability to act as if it does not matter. The portrait I have learned to paint so no one will shatter my desire. The heart speaks loudly, and mine is screaming.
Yes, I realize that fairytales will not come true because they do not exist. But being a hopeless romantic does not change.
I am hopelessly addicted to the thought and pursuit of a love untaimed by time, space, and reality.
Too bad I am all alone in this. Loneliness is not marked by the time spent alone, but by the time the heart spends untouched. It is not able to be filled by only the maternal relationships, or the friendships of those that see your pain. But it is fulfilled by the touch of the one who knows where your weakness is.
Filled by the one who can kiss your bad away. Can make love to you until your body quivers from the passion and desire exuding in their touch. The given, unspoken love that only a soul can feel through the penetration of the heart.
Although thoughts of sexual acts may cloud this judgement. Only the one that holds the heart can heal the loneliness, because when it is all over the pain is gone, and they are still there massaging the wound until the scar is removed.
I am looking for unbridaled passion, love, erotic stimulation, mixed with conversations for the moment, and the thought that it will happen as much as I like because they want me as not only their wife. But their friend and lover, it will be a dream come true to find that someone who is closer than you!
Signing off~
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
If U Don't Care...Should I?
I let my mind play tricks on me. Set myself up for the okie doke!!
How could I just fall like this and bump my damn head!! Sometimes, the feel good words fulfill a void that can't be filled by just anyone. Only by someone who understands where you are coming from and why you think the way you do.
When dealing with ignorant people who don't understand the concept of responsibility or concern, emotions that have been hidden make their prescence known. Confirming that insanity can emerge from the strangest of circumstances.
My insanity has been driven by the result of realizing just how stupid my decision was, and how my future steps and reactions to situations must be precise and well thought out. I let no one in the space that I consider to be my holy ground. The place within myself that I have managed to protect from the selfishness and ignorance of the people around me. The place that has that once vibrant woman that only comes out on occassions that are absolutely necessary.
Now I have been given the opportunity to do something that I want to do. No, it is not something anyone may agree with, but the part of me that has to constantly be the bigger parent, wife, friend, loved one is screaming for some kind of release. This release may be worth it in the end.
No one lives without some form of struggle. And as a hopeless romantic who has been torn by the reality of life...it seemingly doesn't matter anymore where the company comes from. I sit here with tears in my eyes considering all that I have seen and heard and it seems to be more nightmares than dream come trues. Those few moments where I felt alive for moments, tainted by the sins of another. Bittersweet moments that were meant to be shared, seem to always be shared by myself. Even with others around I am the only one in that moment in time.
I could let everyone's suggestions on how I should be take me over. Unfortunately, I have a mind of my own that simply can not be swayed because you say it is the right thing to do. If I am expected to be the strong one. The one that always has to sacrifice. The one who sits and walks alone, outside of the footprints that I was once told about, I should be the judge of what is right and wrong for my release.
Trying to decide what to do is not easy. Unfortunately, I don't give a shit ANYMORE!! This is exactly what people want from me. If I have to be a mother to everyone, then it is only fair that I get to decide what I want in my freetime. It is not alcohol, nothing that would make me feel tired the next day and wishing I had not gone out to begin with. And guess what, I found it. Trust me I have made my decision. I want to play with a Tonka truck!!
It seems stupid and even careless. But sometimes you should be carefree. Carelessness can provide the result of carefree. This is why there are so many weed heads.
But this I plan on doing for me, because I deserve it. Right, wrong, or indifferent. For once I am going to be the one you better worry about. Because while I am busy taking care of you and everything else, there will be moments I take for myself. Just stolen moments in time. For me. No one will find me. No one will bother me. These are the moments I will take to my grave. The ones that save my life. The ones that will make a difference in my smile.
I asked for the chance. And the chance has found me. And I will not let it walk on by.
I have earned the chance to have some fun!! And I am going to...sparing no expense.
Signing off~
How could I just fall like this and bump my damn head!! Sometimes, the feel good words fulfill a void that can't be filled by just anyone. Only by someone who understands where you are coming from and why you think the way you do.
When dealing with ignorant people who don't understand the concept of responsibility or concern, emotions that have been hidden make their prescence known. Confirming that insanity can emerge from the strangest of circumstances.
My insanity has been driven by the result of realizing just how stupid my decision was, and how my future steps and reactions to situations must be precise and well thought out. I let no one in the space that I consider to be my holy ground. The place within myself that I have managed to protect from the selfishness and ignorance of the people around me. The place that has that once vibrant woman that only comes out on occassions that are absolutely necessary.
Now I have been given the opportunity to do something that I want to do. No, it is not something anyone may agree with, but the part of me that has to constantly be the bigger parent, wife, friend, loved one is screaming for some kind of release. This release may be worth it in the end.
No one lives without some form of struggle. And as a hopeless romantic who has been torn by the reality of life...it seemingly doesn't matter anymore where the company comes from. I sit here with tears in my eyes considering all that I have seen and heard and it seems to be more nightmares than dream come trues. Those few moments where I felt alive for moments, tainted by the sins of another. Bittersweet moments that were meant to be shared, seem to always be shared by myself. Even with others around I am the only one in that moment in time.
I could let everyone's suggestions on how I should be take me over. Unfortunately, I have a mind of my own that simply can not be swayed because you say it is the right thing to do. If I am expected to be the strong one. The one that always has to sacrifice. The one who sits and walks alone, outside of the footprints that I was once told about, I should be the judge of what is right and wrong for my release.
Trying to decide what to do is not easy. Unfortunately, I don't give a shit ANYMORE!! This is exactly what people want from me. If I have to be a mother to everyone, then it is only fair that I get to decide what I want in my freetime. It is not alcohol, nothing that would make me feel tired the next day and wishing I had not gone out to begin with. And guess what, I found it. Trust me I have made my decision. I want to play with a Tonka truck!!
It seems stupid and even careless. But sometimes you should be carefree. Carelessness can provide the result of carefree. This is why there are so many weed heads.
But this I plan on doing for me, because I deserve it. Right, wrong, or indifferent. For once I am going to be the one you better worry about. Because while I am busy taking care of you and everything else, there will be moments I take for myself. Just stolen moments in time. For me. No one will find me. No one will bother me. These are the moments I will take to my grave. The ones that save my life. The ones that will make a difference in my smile.
I asked for the chance. And the chance has found me. And I will not let it walk on by.
I have earned the chance to have some fun!! And I am going to...sparing no expense.
Signing off~
Monday, September 27, 2010
From Nieve to 'I am Woman, Get the Hell Out of My Way!'
Define Nieve: . Lacking worldly experience and understanding or me in my younger years. I was questioned about a choice I made in my youth and really came up with lame answers. After much thought throughout the night I still don't know, but I realize that I am not as nieve, because there is no part of me that desires that from my past. Sometimes I consider the option, but I just can't get across the reality.
My personal desires have grown with me.
When I was younger, my self worth was a huge issue that I could not conquer. So I settled. Not for the best, but for what made me feel good at that time. Although my choice ended with grave consequence, it was a decision I would not change because it made me. However, if it were the EGO I have become today, I would not have given it a second thought.
I think this is something that is also affecting my marriage. Things I would have generally settled for in the past is beyond me. Now, not only am I strongwilled, I have grown a bit defiant and increased my strength in me.
I am noticing how I approach situations is also much different. There were things that would hurt me, but the statement 'that which does not kill you, makes you stronger' has become the defining factor of who I am. Instead of letting those things bother me, I have decided to do me.
Unfortunately this may not be something others in my life consider to be wise. But in the grand scheme of things, I have lived my life for so many other people for so long. I am going to enjoy ever opportunity provided to make me happy.
Given I would never do anything to endanger myself or my family, just if it is something I may want or DESIRE and it is not of the norm....I just might bite!
Time for a new adventure...New adventure here I come. Why? Because nieve is gone and I am WOMAN, and I suggest you get the hell out of my way!!!
A life without adventure, is no life at all! Who said that ME~
Signing Off~
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Just this once
Okay so I am sitting here thinking. I swear sometimes that is something I should just not do!
I had a great time with my cousins and their friends last night. And now part of me regrets it because it hurt another cousin.
What she said was true though. It's not like they regularly associate with me. Except for FB of course.
In my thoughts, it hit me, no one regularly associates with me. I have always been an odd ball I guess. The person last thought about in any situation. I would be lying to say that it did not make me feel good to be thought about for a change. Someone considered me for something other than a favor, or something inconsequential.
I know I tend to live my life in a little box that will include my immediate family, however, it can get a little lonely. My phone never really rings, so the fact that it is disconnected does not matter to me. I pay that much for a phone and no one even considers me important enough to call or text. Yes I could submit a text or two, but I am not going to lie I know they won't respond. And if they responded what would they say. Would they say, "Hey come hang with me" or 'Do me a favor.'
I thank God for the opportunity that I received last night. For a change I felt apart of more than my norm. Because people are afraid to step out of their comfort zones, they miss out on so much. I'm not too afraid, I just don't get many chances.
I got the chance to go to a real comedy show to see a real comedian. No complaints. Just glad for the experience. Not regretting the choices I have made in life, but wondering if things would be much easier without. And I know it would, but that would never make it worth it!
Signing off~
I had a great time with my cousins and their friends last night. And now part of me regrets it because it hurt another cousin.
What she said was true though. It's not like they regularly associate with me. Except for FB of course.
In my thoughts, it hit me, no one regularly associates with me. I have always been an odd ball I guess. The person last thought about in any situation. I would be lying to say that it did not make me feel good to be thought about for a change. Someone considered me for something other than a favor, or something inconsequential.
I know I tend to live my life in a little box that will include my immediate family, however, it can get a little lonely. My phone never really rings, so the fact that it is disconnected does not matter to me. I pay that much for a phone and no one even considers me important enough to call or text. Yes I could submit a text or two, but I am not going to lie I know they won't respond. And if they responded what would they say. Would they say, "Hey come hang with me" or 'Do me a favor.'
I thank God for the opportunity that I received last night. For a change I felt apart of more than my norm. Because people are afraid to step out of their comfort zones, they miss out on so much. I'm not too afraid, I just don't get many chances.
I got the chance to go to a real comedy show to see a real comedian. No complaints. Just glad for the experience. Not regretting the choices I have made in life, but wondering if things would be much easier without. And I know it would, but that would never make it worth it!
Signing off~
Saturday, August 21, 2010
My Life's Declaration
As the song goes, “I’ve got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow. Got the string around my finger, what a world what a life…I’m in love!” (Frank Sinatra)
My life has come full circle. It just registered this weekend waiting on these results that everything is in its place, except for my health. I have 5 wonderful, smart, healthy, and happy children that God has blessed me with. I have family and friends that are supportive, albeit some judgmental, but supportive nonetheless. Everyone’s life is moving consistently in an upward pattern. My marriage has shifted to become a happy one. We smile, we talk, we make love, and we are friends. Yes, we have our moments but we have learned to value those moments and turn them into memories. I have a job that I love, and am afraid I will become detached from.
The uncertainty of mortality is something that can drive one mad. Confidences that things will be okay are often times set aside by the fear of reality and the thought that no one person can be in such a great place without a new trial. My health has become the new trial, but one that I am strong enough to conquer.
My life has been about survival. One way or the other, I have always had to fight for peace of mind, happiness, and balance. Although my path may not have always been one that others would have chosen, my path has placed me in a position of joy. How many people do you know survive the loss of a child, infidelity, abortions, death of family, all within brief years, and arrive at their current destination with a smile on their face. In my moments of insanity, there has always been a way for me to find the silver lining.
When I see my children, I see all of the positives and negatives of me. I have always been a hopeless romantic, one who believed that fairy tale and reality can coincide. Because of these inconceivable notions of fantasy, it has made me stand out from the crowd.
Turning my “Yes ma’am” lifestyle into an I can decide for myself position has given me strength that is on levels of Superhero. Because I can think for myself and make decisions that would please me, despite the judgments of others. No, I do not want offend, but people must understand that any decisions that I make will be for myself.
For now my life is in God’s hands. I may not be living the way many may have me, but I am living. At the end of the day, I have to be okay with the decisions that I have made in life. Because it is my life and I choose to live it. No matter what the results may say, I have survived too much to miss out on the things that mean the most to me. Seeing my children grown, seeing my grandchildren and possible great-grandchildren. I have seen the product of children who lose their mother’s early in life, and will make it my point for my children not to be included in this statistic.
There is a reason for everything, this is a season for me to get to know my body and take the steps necessary to live the life that is destined for me. My prayer and my goals are unchanged. Some may feel this is a result of the changes in my lifestyle, but I don’t think so because everyone has a path to walk. No judgments will fall on these positive ears.
Fear drives us to failure; therefore I declare right now fear cannot take me! My war with myself has begun, and I may lose a few battles but ultimately the war is mine to conquer!
My life has come full circle. It just registered this weekend waiting on these results that everything is in its place, except for my health. I have 5 wonderful, smart, healthy, and happy children that God has blessed me with. I have family and friends that are supportive, albeit some judgmental, but supportive nonetheless. Everyone’s life is moving consistently in an upward pattern. My marriage has shifted to become a happy one. We smile, we talk, we make love, and we are friends. Yes, we have our moments but we have learned to value those moments and turn them into memories. I have a job that I love, and am afraid I will become detached from.
The uncertainty of mortality is something that can drive one mad. Confidences that things will be okay are often times set aside by the fear of reality and the thought that no one person can be in such a great place without a new trial. My health has become the new trial, but one that I am strong enough to conquer.
My life has been about survival. One way or the other, I have always had to fight for peace of mind, happiness, and balance. Although my path may not have always been one that others would have chosen, my path has placed me in a position of joy. How many people do you know survive the loss of a child, infidelity, abortions, death of family, all within brief years, and arrive at their current destination with a smile on their face. In my moments of insanity, there has always been a way for me to find the silver lining.
When I see my children, I see all of the positives and negatives of me. I have always been a hopeless romantic, one who believed that fairy tale and reality can coincide. Because of these inconceivable notions of fantasy, it has made me stand out from the crowd.
Turning my “Yes ma’am” lifestyle into an I can decide for myself position has given me strength that is on levels of Superhero. Because I can think for myself and make decisions that would please me, despite the judgments of others. No, I do not want offend, but people must understand that any decisions that I make will be for myself.
For now my life is in God’s hands. I may not be living the way many may have me, but I am living. At the end of the day, I have to be okay with the decisions that I have made in life. Because it is my life and I choose to live it. No matter what the results may say, I have survived too much to miss out on the things that mean the most to me. Seeing my children grown, seeing my grandchildren and possible great-grandchildren. I have seen the product of children who lose their mother’s early in life, and will make it my point for my children not to be included in this statistic.
There is a reason for everything, this is a season for me to get to know my body and take the steps necessary to live the life that is destined for me. My prayer and my goals are unchanged. Some may feel this is a result of the changes in my lifestyle, but I don’t think so because everyone has a path to walk. No judgments will fall on these positive ears.
Fear drives us to failure; therefore I declare right now fear cannot take me! My war with myself has begun, and I may lose a few battles but ultimately the war is mine to conquer!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Miss my hubby ma! Thinking about stuff and am so happy I went through all that I have and feel totally blessed because God made me stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. Healthy, GREAT Fabulous 5 kids! They get on my nerves sometimes,... but wouldn't replace. Great sisters Rayeanne and Carmen. I thank God for my dad, want to see him too. Herm family. But I appreciate you prolly the most. You raised us to be strong and to know things will happen when you believe. I used to think my fairytale mentality was a weakness, but those dreams keep me moving sometimes. You went through so much to get where you are and so does everyone, but you are stronger for it! Now I am someone I love, because you instilled greatness in us! And I have been able to share that with my husband!! I never thought we would be here. Happy, healthy, together as a family..I am learning to be a friend. I got friends that I have had for more than 2 years and that is not something I have ever done. But it is important...IDK, got a job that I love most of the time. Life is like a song...At last
I may not be perfect but I am in an 'At Last' moment. Going to Herm family reunion, and spending time with the people that didn't go. Then being able to go to a family reunion with my flesh and blood. That is huge! Sometimes, with it just b...eing us 3 for so long you feel out there by yourself. I have been reading the comments under the pic of the fam, and I don't feel like we are alone anymore! We got our family. It looks like those pics and the picnic touch everyone! No matter how life goes, family and friends are just that important...Victory people are family, my friends I consider my family. But it feels good to know I have family and lots of it!! And we are all not so different. It was so nice seeing you ChaCha slide and smiling, because I know that was a completion for you too! Despite life issues, it is a good time for me right now!! And I am just taking it in and enjoying it! ♥ ya
I may not be perfect but I am in an 'At Last' moment. Going to Herm family reunion, and spending time with the people that didn't go. Then being able to go to a family reunion with my flesh and blood. That is huge! Sometimes, with it just b...eing us 3 for so long you feel out there by yourself. I have been reading the comments under the pic of the fam, and I don't feel like we are alone anymore! We got our family. It looks like those pics and the picnic touch everyone! No matter how life goes, family and friends are just that important...Victory people are family, my friends I consider my family. But it feels good to know I have family and lots of it!! And we are all not so different. It was so nice seeing you ChaCha slide and smiling, because I know that was a completion for you too! Despite life issues, it is a good time for me right now!! And I am just taking it in and enjoying it! ♥ ya
31...5 kids, 1 abortion, 1 stillbirth, 11 years of marriage, and a tubal later they put me on birth control to help my issues! Lol...that just seemed comical to me!
Got so much I want to do and so little time to do it! How do you take over the world in 1 day? How do you make things go your way?
I should just take some time to see, what is really going on with me! Doing busy work, I recognize this symptom. Smiling a lot, I recognize this symptom. Really in my heart been a little aggrevated.
I think I am horny! lol I do miss spending time with Herman. All is do is work and sleep. And when he not sleep I wish he was, he is such a complainer! But I appreciate all he is doing for our family! We have started over, except this time he has some help. May not seem like much sometimes but it is.
You know, this is worst than a 12 step program! lol They don't have a program for missing the one you love!
Got so much I want to do and so little time to do it! How do you take over the world in 1 day? How do you make things go your way?
I should just take some time to see, what is really going on with me! Doing busy work, I recognize this symptom. Smiling a lot, I recognize this symptom. Really in my heart been a little aggrevated.
I think I am horny! lol I do miss spending time with Herman. All is do is work and sleep. And when he not sleep I wish he was, he is such a complainer! But I appreciate all he is doing for our family! We have started over, except this time he has some help. May not seem like much sometimes but it is.
You know, this is worst than a 12 step program! lol They don't have a program for missing the one you love!
Got on my myspace, which is rare. Clicked on blog...this is something I blogged on Myspace May 7, 2008:
Just felt like writing....read nothing into it!
I melt like candy in the arms of the one I love. But when I sit down and consider it....is the love already gone. I make a swift move to find my place. Plan a way to save the day. Heart of a fighter, Strength of a lion, I can't let you defeat me because I am the heroine. But with time the battle scars are growing and new positions cross my mind. Do I give in to the Loniless or will my Pride not let me dive? I'm drowning, sinking, suffocating. The walls are closing in. Were my decisions sound or did I make a big mistake. The people say your doing it but the story seems to be a play. The drama daily unfolding, begging me not to stay. For inside I feel so empty. More than fear now has a role. My white flag is getting higher. I know not where to go. So for now I'll keep my distance. Keep my heart and thoughts to me, for sharing my pain and deceptions can't be good for anybody to see. How selfish can 1 be to take advantage of the heart. Misuse it and abuse it and tear it all apart. Instead of the soothing feeling of the safety I once felt: confusion, loneliness, and regret fill that space again. Depression trying to catch me, yes I have this one war left. I may have lost many battles but part of me still believes in myself. So if you understand me or know where I may be....please do not forget me and remember a prayer for me!
I was at a low point around this time. Making decisions that were life long. Glad to see I made many good decisions that brought everything full circle to happiness!
Not much to say other than that tonight...so in the style of a lady who knows when it's time to leave..Signing off~
Just felt like writing....read nothing into it!
I melt like candy in the arms of the one I love. But when I sit down and consider it....is the love already gone. I make a swift move to find my place. Plan a way to save the day. Heart of a fighter, Strength of a lion, I can't let you defeat me because I am the heroine. But with time the battle scars are growing and new positions cross my mind. Do I give in to the Loniless or will my Pride not let me dive? I'm drowning, sinking, suffocating. The walls are closing in. Were my decisions sound or did I make a big mistake. The people say your doing it but the story seems to be a play. The drama daily unfolding, begging me not to stay. For inside I feel so empty. More than fear now has a role. My white flag is getting higher. I know not where to go. So for now I'll keep my distance. Keep my heart and thoughts to me, for sharing my pain and deceptions can't be good for anybody to see. How selfish can 1 be to take advantage of the heart. Misuse it and abuse it and tear it all apart. Instead of the soothing feeling of the safety I once felt: confusion, loneliness, and regret fill that space again. Depression trying to catch me, yes I have this one war left. I may have lost many battles but part of me still believes in myself. So if you understand me or know where I may be....please do not forget me and remember a prayer for me!
I was at a low point around this time. Making decisions that were life long. Glad to see I made many good decisions that brought everything full circle to happiness!
Not much to say other than that tonight...so in the style of a lady who knows when it's time to leave..Signing off~
Monday, August 2, 2010
Well I am just sitting here, well laying here with my husband, daughter, and the kids on the floor. These moments are far and few between so I have to enjoy them as much as possible. Need to get up and cook dinner. Tonight is Jamaican Curried Chicken, was supposed to crock pot BUT forgot!!
Angels and Demons is on the television screen and my family is enjoying. I guess I will also take the kids to the pool real shortly MAYBE
Angels and Demons is on the television screen and my family is enjoying. I guess I will also take the kids to the pool real shortly MAYBE
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I try to be respectful at all times. But the peace of my home was threatened today by someone elses control issues. Unfortunately their words fall on ears that are not going to deal with it. Life is getting ready to change, because this is my house and family and I will not be disrespected again in my own. No one has the right to enter your home in a tirade and disrupt the harmonious vibe. Because of actions taken, I have the right to put a stop.
My sister always says, I'm grown and she can't talk to me like that. I guess because I am respectful enough not to attempt to speak it gives a license to act unseemingly in my home. Not!!
The buck stops here, I mean right now!
No longer will I be your beating mule because I don't flow the way you do!
Why be a hypocrit? I choose to do what, enjoy time with my kids! That makes me evil. My kids went to a bbq yesterday and didn't do anything. But because you have to feel as though to are the reason for everything good in their life, you flaunt that. Unfornately when you were too busy to come visit and too engulfed in your situation I was raising them to be the respectful kids they are today.
I'm not about to deal with the disrespect anymore. I am 31 years old, married, and their mom. I said they could go to church on Sunday because I work. If I so choose to make plans with my kids, or they sleep in because I am getting my time in with them, there should be no words.
I am not about keeping kids away from people, so that is not an option. But it is time to set some ground rules, that get you to realize this is not your house. And you will not demand anything from me or disrespect me again!
Little One this...when you get full of yourself you can demean me as well! Aren't you in church why the heck you on FB. Whoo saaa....Lemonade....Well let me get back to living!
My sister always says, I'm grown and she can't talk to me like that. I guess because I am respectful enough not to attempt to speak it gives a license to act unseemingly in my home. Not!!
The buck stops here, I mean right now!
No longer will I be your beating mule because I don't flow the way you do!
Why be a hypocrit? I choose to do what, enjoy time with my kids! That makes me evil. My kids went to a bbq yesterday and didn't do anything. But because you have to feel as though to are the reason for everything good in their life, you flaunt that. Unfornately when you were too busy to come visit and too engulfed in your situation I was raising them to be the respectful kids they are today.
I'm not about to deal with the disrespect anymore. I am 31 years old, married, and their mom. I said they could go to church on Sunday because I work. If I so choose to make plans with my kids, or they sleep in because I am getting my time in with them, there should be no words.
I am not about keeping kids away from people, so that is not an option. But it is time to set some ground rules, that get you to realize this is not your house. And you will not demand anything from me or disrespect me again!
Little One this...when you get full of yourself you can demean me as well! Aren't you in church why the heck you on FB. Whoo saaa....Lemonade....Well let me get back to living!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Ironically, when I blog my neurotic episodes are minimal. When I don't I tend to have a set back!
I need to write up a smart goal to deal with it. I have been given a tool and I need to use it.
Well for now, I guess I will just have to say what I am feeling.
My emotional state sometimes makes me feel as though I am bipolar. I can be happy at one moment and the next my mood is on the total opposite of the sanity spectrum.
I highly regard my ability to be consistent. My consistent trend for now is simply neurotic. I have no other word to define myself. So what steps can I take to provide myself with emotional stability.
I have began a process of change and do not drink as much I used to, in an effort to not allow alcohol to be my crutch. I am doing quite well outside of the occassional social drink. I opened my last 4loko recently and it is so strong it will probably take about 2-3 weeks to finish it.
My goal on smoking is relatively stable. I also understand part of my episodes are due to my decrease in smoking. It is not very easy to come up with a new productive habit, but I believe I am working on several new ones.
Being that food has not been a crutch for me in years and with the issues I have with eating, that is not an option.
Cooking is still enjoyable, however, due to recent health issues I have had to relinquish that to my children and husband. This is only temporary, and I am noticing considerable improvement in my skin and stomach so I hope to be back into that really soon.
Kareoke is an old love that is being rejuvenated at this time. I made myself a vow, that I will make it a point to go every week. Simply because singing is a release that I absolutely enjoy. I am also noticing my vocl improvement. I sing 1 song weekly that at one point I was great at. Jennifer Hudson's version of "And I am Telling You."
I also need to work on my sleep patterns. Not sleeping is an issue. I have also found Starbucks to be a caffiene haven!
Well now that I have randomly typed for a few moments, I am getting sleepy. So at this time I am
Signing Off~
I need to write up a smart goal to deal with it. I have been given a tool and I need to use it.
Well for now, I guess I will just have to say what I am feeling.
My emotional state sometimes makes me feel as though I am bipolar. I can be happy at one moment and the next my mood is on the total opposite of the sanity spectrum.
I highly regard my ability to be consistent. My consistent trend for now is simply neurotic. I have no other word to define myself. So what steps can I take to provide myself with emotional stability.
I have began a process of change and do not drink as much I used to, in an effort to not allow alcohol to be my crutch. I am doing quite well outside of the occassional social drink. I opened my last 4loko recently and it is so strong it will probably take about 2-3 weeks to finish it.
My goal on smoking is relatively stable. I also understand part of my episodes are due to my decrease in smoking. It is not very easy to come up with a new productive habit, but I believe I am working on several new ones.
Being that food has not been a crutch for me in years and with the issues I have with eating, that is not an option.
Cooking is still enjoyable, however, due to recent health issues I have had to relinquish that to my children and husband. This is only temporary, and I am noticing considerable improvement in my skin and stomach so I hope to be back into that really soon.
Kareoke is an old love that is being rejuvenated at this time. I made myself a vow, that I will make it a point to go every week. Simply because singing is a release that I absolutely enjoy. I am also noticing my vocl improvement. I sing 1 song weekly that at one point I was great at. Jennifer Hudson's version of "And I am Telling You."
I also need to work on my sleep patterns. Not sleeping is an issue. I have also found Starbucks to be a caffiene haven!
Well now that I have randomly typed for a few moments, I am getting sleepy. So at this time I am
Signing Off~
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Opportunity to Degrade
Trying to find a balance in who you are can sometimes be difficult. Maintaining or increasing your self worth is a struggle that is ongoing and relentless. Many people find their fortunes in the misfortunes of others. While there are also those who would like to see the success be spread throughout and honors be given as such. In my time on this earth I find that most of my life experiences have been worth nothing to most and everything to me.
Does that make my experiences any more demeaning than others? No. Because at the end of the day, the life that you live will be forgotten. Yes people will remember events that you shared with them, but those most intimate successes will not stay here, they go with you. In turn providing another opportunity for someone else to find success.
It is selfish for me to assume that your life conquers are not as great as my own. In many ways, people use your success to demean you and make you feel as though you have not accomplished any thing at all.
At this point in my life I find myself at a crossroad, with a cluster of opportunities to unfold. Albeit some of these opportunities are great there are others that may seem inconsequential to the next person. Yet in still, it is my decision to indulge or nurture these possibilities.
Well on a side note:
I found the word "opportunity" to be most offensive this morning. At work the big boss uses the word "opportunity" in a positive manner. In an effort to obtain the same result others now use this word, in every sentence they say. However, the difference is, when others use the words, their tone implies a sense of disrespect and degredation. Instead of saying, look you are not doing your best and this is where you are not doing so well. It has been replaced with "there is an opportunity for growth." Except whereas I have heard this statement from my big boss put in the most positive of manner, which provides a sense of increase in responsibility and importance of position, when it is simple correction. Others have used the very same stance and made people to feel inferior to them. Therefore, when I heard the word this morning used at a table of my peers, it dawned on me that when people hear this from my peer it will have the same effect as everyone else. i.e. 'I know that you are submitting a complaint about me because the only time I hear the word opportunity is when there is a negative issue being discussed.'
The time when the word opportunity was used in a positive context has simply been dismissed and redirected. What can be done about it?
As I sat at the table and began to voice my concern, I felt the mood shift. My neurotic side had just popped it's ugly little head again. But when a word that has given hope to people in the past is now being used as a term of degradation it seems to produce a feeling of hopelessness. What most fail to realize is that due to the lack of communication between superiors and otherwise, there are some people that hear that term several times a day by different people. Therefore, when I hear the word opportunity being used it is no longer a positive result obtained it is a negative one. Learning how to talk to people is crucial in business and everyday life. And acknowledging people's mistakes without terminating the confidence once felt in a word is possible as well. There has to be another approach.
It would seem that I have heard "opportunity" and "perception" so much that it is driving me mad. Therefore at this time I share 1 of my 6 mad thoughts of the morning!
Signing off~
Does that make my experiences any more demeaning than others? No. Because at the end of the day, the life that you live will be forgotten. Yes people will remember events that you shared with them, but those most intimate successes will not stay here, they go with you. In turn providing another opportunity for someone else to find success.
It is selfish for me to assume that your life conquers are not as great as my own. In many ways, people use your success to demean you and make you feel as though you have not accomplished any thing at all.
At this point in my life I find myself at a crossroad, with a cluster of opportunities to unfold. Albeit some of these opportunities are great there are others that may seem inconsequential to the next person. Yet in still, it is my decision to indulge or nurture these possibilities.
Well on a side note:
I found the word "opportunity" to be most offensive this morning. At work the big boss uses the word "opportunity" in a positive manner. In an effort to obtain the same result others now use this word, in every sentence they say. However, the difference is, when others use the words, their tone implies a sense of disrespect and degredation. Instead of saying, look you are not doing your best and this is where you are not doing so well. It has been replaced with "there is an opportunity for growth." Except whereas I have heard this statement from my big boss put in the most positive of manner, which provides a sense of increase in responsibility and importance of position, when it is simple correction. Others have used the very same stance and made people to feel inferior to them. Therefore, when I heard the word this morning used at a table of my peers, it dawned on me that when people hear this from my peer it will have the same effect as everyone else. i.e. 'I know that you are submitting a complaint about me because the only time I hear the word opportunity is when there is a negative issue being discussed.'
The time when the word opportunity was used in a positive context has simply been dismissed and redirected. What can be done about it?
As I sat at the table and began to voice my concern, I felt the mood shift. My neurotic side had just popped it's ugly little head again. But when a word that has given hope to people in the past is now being used as a term of degradation it seems to produce a feeling of hopelessness. What most fail to realize is that due to the lack of communication between superiors and otherwise, there are some people that hear that term several times a day by different people. Therefore, when I hear the word opportunity being used it is no longer a positive result obtained it is a negative one. Learning how to talk to people is crucial in business and everyday life. And acknowledging people's mistakes without terminating the confidence once felt in a word is possible as well. There has to be another approach.
It would seem that I have heard "opportunity" and "perception" so much that it is driving me mad. Therefore at this time I share 1 of my 6 mad thoughts of the morning!
Signing off~
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Why do we sabotage our own blessings?
A woman gets pregnant..Whether she is a teen or of age, she has a decision to make. Considering her faults she does what she believes to be proper for the circumstance. God says a child is your greatest blessings and countries praise women who have children. However something inside her heart tells her to murder a piece of her. She wonders for years how long it will take, to mend the broken heart for one simple mistake. It never really heals, it's just covered with time. The minute she reconsiders, she realizes she can't roll back time.
These mistakes may not happen to often in life. Actually their daily, to ourselves we seem to lie.
The breath that we breath we clutter with smoke. The bodies we have we poison for glutany. Our eyes we use daily to take in all life, we abuse by reading with no glitter of light. Our hands and our feet, we feel use to feel the earth beneath. We place nails and fake toes on and paint just to change me. The hair that he gave us, our 'Glory' some say, we cover with wigs, did I comb my hair today.
So next time you judge someone for one mistake, remmember we mess ours up daily...Did you weigh yourself today?
Just felt like putting something together....In the mood to write...I also want to cook! Signing off~
A woman gets pregnant..Whether she is a teen or of age, she has a decision to make. Considering her faults she does what she believes to be proper for the circumstance. God says a child is your greatest blessings and countries praise women who have children. However something inside her heart tells her to murder a piece of her. She wonders for years how long it will take, to mend the broken heart for one simple mistake. It never really heals, it's just covered with time. The minute she reconsiders, she realizes she can't roll back time.
These mistakes may not happen to often in life. Actually their daily, to ourselves we seem to lie.
The breath that we breath we clutter with smoke. The bodies we have we poison for glutany. Our eyes we use daily to take in all life, we abuse by reading with no glitter of light. Our hands and our feet, we feel use to feel the earth beneath. We place nails and fake toes on and paint just to change me. The hair that he gave us, our 'Glory' some say, we cover with wigs, did I comb my hair today.
So next time you judge someone for one mistake, remmember we mess ours up daily...Did you weigh yourself today?
Just felt like putting something together....In the mood to write...I also want to cook! Signing off~
Family Qualifications
Well. I have not done anything too productive in the last week or two. HATE IT!
Well I did enjoy some sleep so I can not say that it has been too unproductive. Also, I got some work stuff done that I had not been able to complete and painted a breakroom, well most of it, at work. That is not so unproductive.
Well. What should I talk about tonight? Should I be deep and speak on life experiences and relationships.
Nevermind that.
Instead my concern is a new one. Today I witnessed something that has really bothered me. It is not of any importance that I know the person and was not very close to them, but this person was very helpful and supportive of me at work.
I guess, when you make a career, you only pay attention to your personal status at work. Not the fact that you have made bonds and relationships with the person you work with. You don't notice that if something were to happen, it would make a difference in your day.
Today I realized that I am genuinely concered about my co-workers. When they do something that is unbelievable it stays in your mind.
Considering this, what happens when someone you love does this? If I am devasted about someone that I see for less than 40 hours a week and it substantially affects my life.. The impact of the decisions of your loved ones can almost take your life. This is why we go through depressions and psychological defects.
Crazy thoughts, crying, diverse wild experiences.
This questions, how much the mind can stand? People doubt there is a God, but when the bible says, "but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able;"KJV...There is no question of the divinty in life.
Although no one is perfect, God will only do what you allow Him to do. You can make the trial your end, or you can make the trial your testimony!
~Blessed depsite My Flaws~
Signing off~
Well I did enjoy some sleep so I can not say that it has been too unproductive. Also, I got some work stuff done that I had not been able to complete and painted a breakroom, well most of it, at work. That is not so unproductive.
Well. What should I talk about tonight? Should I be deep and speak on life experiences and relationships.
Nevermind that.
Instead my concern is a new one. Today I witnessed something that has really bothered me. It is not of any importance that I know the person and was not very close to them, but this person was very helpful and supportive of me at work.
I guess, when you make a career, you only pay attention to your personal status at work. Not the fact that you have made bonds and relationships with the person you work with. You don't notice that if something were to happen, it would make a difference in your day.
Today I realized that I am genuinely concered about my co-workers. When they do something that is unbelievable it stays in your mind.
Considering this, what happens when someone you love does this? If I am devasted about someone that I see for less than 40 hours a week and it substantially affects my life.. The impact of the decisions of your loved ones can almost take your life. This is why we go through depressions and psychological defects.
Crazy thoughts, crying, diverse wild experiences.
This questions, how much the mind can stand? People doubt there is a God, but when the bible says, "but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able;"KJV...There is no question of the divinty in life.
Although no one is perfect, God will only do what you allow Him to do. You can make the trial your end, or you can make the trial your testimony!
~Blessed depsite My Flaws~
Signing off~
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I FB this last night and figured it belonged here!
Conquer the world, don't let it conquer you! Who said that....I DID~
Friday, July 2, 2010
When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no right or wrong answers. Marriage. Divorce. Love. Hate. The only answers we have come from the strength within.
At the time of your greatest heartache, the instinct to survive carries you. Whether you have a strong instinct or weak one, it carries you through. Often times, I sit and think about all that I have gone through in my own marriage and I don't always understand why I had to walk the path I was given. Then someone young or old comes around and has been torn.
What people fail to realize is that sometimes the people in your inner circle can not give you words of encouragement or wisdom that will not result in more pain. Not for the lack of life experience or ideals that seem inconsequential, but because as with any intimate relationship (friendship or family) when they see one of their's wounded the natural reaction is to strike. As a mother with her young in the wild, when threatened they strike to kill first. In life this is the same.
My incite on relationships has changed dramatically over the years. There was a time that infadelity meant the end of an era. Time has taught me that everyone's path is different and sometimes it takes the opposite sex or your partner longer to find the successful path. Whether it is due to their lack of self fulfillment, esteem, growth, or worth; when someone is not sure of who they are they can not be of any use to others.
When their flaws and misdirection hits an innocent victim of love, it can make or break who that victim becomes.
I was that victim. As was my husband. Many of my friends and family have fallen victim to the misdirection of the unfulfilled partner.
It has been to my pleasure that I have at least been able to help someone in my situation. Whether it has been by a kind word or jesture, my pain has not gone in vain.
For this reason I don't consider the trials my end, only my beginning. I was made and created to love, unconditionally with out pause. But only after learning to love myself.
If these words never reach another know this. Every step you make in life has been for a purpose. Your purpose may not be known to you and may not be fulfilled in ways you expect, but your purpose will always be greatness! It is only what you do with the tools and experiences you have that will make the difference.
This toast is to love and the trials within. Signing off~ Love's Former Broken Victim Now Grown!
At the time of your greatest heartache, the instinct to survive carries you. Whether you have a strong instinct or weak one, it carries you through. Often times, I sit and think about all that I have gone through in my own marriage and I don't always understand why I had to walk the path I was given. Then someone young or old comes around and has been torn.
What people fail to realize is that sometimes the people in your inner circle can not give you words of encouragement or wisdom that will not result in more pain. Not for the lack of life experience or ideals that seem inconsequential, but because as with any intimate relationship (friendship or family) when they see one of their's wounded the natural reaction is to strike. As a mother with her young in the wild, when threatened they strike to kill first. In life this is the same.
My incite on relationships has changed dramatically over the years. There was a time that infadelity meant the end of an era. Time has taught me that everyone's path is different and sometimes it takes the opposite sex or your partner longer to find the successful path. Whether it is due to their lack of self fulfillment, esteem, growth, or worth; when someone is not sure of who they are they can not be of any use to others.
When their flaws and misdirection hits an innocent victim of love, it can make or break who that victim becomes.
I was that victim. As was my husband. Many of my friends and family have fallen victim to the misdirection of the unfulfilled partner.
It has been to my pleasure that I have at least been able to help someone in my situation. Whether it has been by a kind word or jesture, my pain has not gone in vain.
For this reason I don't consider the trials my end, only my beginning. I was made and created to love, unconditionally with out pause. But only after learning to love myself.
If these words never reach another know this. Every step you make in life has been for a purpose. Your purpose may not be known to you and may not be fulfilled in ways you expect, but your purpose will always be greatness! It is only what you do with the tools and experiences you have that will make the difference.
This toast is to love and the trials within. Signing off~ Love's Former Broken Victim Now Grown!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Saving Me
I sit and I wonder what it all means. Am I making steps to get better, or is it all just me avoiding.
I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.
I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.
I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.
To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.
So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!
So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.
Nothing has taken me out like this before. But before I let it kill me I'll definately CONQUER...Signing off~
I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.
I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.
I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.
To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.
So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!
So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.
Nothing has taken me out like this before. But before I let it kill me I'll definately CONQUER...Signing off~
In the words of....
Well my day is starting on a good foot. I decided to take the phrase of ye old DONKEY from Shrek literally. "In the morning, I'm making waffles." And waffles I made and topped them with whip cream and strawberry syrup and served them with eggs and sausage links!!
Really good. I am really putting all my bad thoughts into the food and producing greatness.
I was glad to have my kids home last night as well. I got pissed on by Sara last night, but it was worth the drowning. Until my hubby got home and wanted to make whoopy but did not want to deal with his daughter's golden rain puddle. LMAO..
But SN: My challenge is yet and still working. He really wanted to!
Anyways. I have a room and bed full this morning. Husband, kids, me and this pc. One must go and it won't be my family. So signing off until later~
Really good. I am really putting all my bad thoughts into the food and producing greatness.
I was glad to have my kids home last night as well. I got pissed on by Sara last night, but it was worth the drowning. Until my hubby got home and wanted to make whoopy but did not want to deal with his daughter's golden rain puddle. LMAO..
But SN: My challenge is yet and still working. He really wanted to!
Anyways. I have a room and bed full this morning. Husband, kids, me and this pc. One must go and it won't be my family. So signing off until later~
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Today...
Well I would say my day started quite big...with a big HEADACHE...IDK...all of this is becoming a bit much for me. If I'm not hurting, I'm tired and today was a bit of a combo.
But with style and grace and a bit of optimism I got up and made some breakfast. Went back down for a nap. My sinuses feel like I have a monster living in them. So I go to work.
If only that would have fixed it. It felt like someone was sitting on my shoulder and then the eye ache headache came back, my Vicks had worn off my eyeball.
So I got off and went and got my kids. I have not been able to do much with them because I am either too tired or sick...I have had 2 birthdays in the last couple weeks and was not able to do anything with them. I know I have all summer, but I feel like I failed. I have not lived up to my own expectation of who I am supposed to be. But that is something I need to mature past. Because my kids love me no matter what. And needless to say I do the best I can to make them smile. Today FOOD made them smile.
Those ribs were off the chain. I only ate a corner just to get a taste! SCOUTS HONOR!! But with them I made Sauteed Squash and Zucchini, of course some Bruschetta, and Zharea made some boxed mashed potatoes. They seemingly loved it all!! Ji got seconds on the squash. Now I am going to go ahead and put on the brownies so we can have brownies and floats.
SN: My first poaching experience has turned out to be a toilet paper looking disaster. I am already not particular about eggs, but this thing looked like it was ready to jump out and say I am the MUMMY from the pot!! But we split the egg 6 ways (yes 1 egg), I boiled my yolk a little more and put it in my seafood salad I made myself for lunch.
Outside of that I needed to see my kids who got to see their dad in his van on the way to work in his all white uniform. Bitter sweet. We laughed at the Bugar that was attacking out view and he drove away. One day we will all be off and able to enjoy our family. Until then we love in passing.
See love will be felt as long as the actions to maintain the feeling remains. We may not all see each other, but together or apart our family's love is UNBREAKABLE, just like that nasty looking poached egg. With a smile on my face and medication in hand, preparing to eat dessert and say good night to my fans--I sign off~
But with style and grace and a bit of optimism I got up and made some breakfast. Went back down for a nap. My sinuses feel like I have a monster living in them. So I go to work.
If only that would have fixed it. It felt like someone was sitting on my shoulder and then the eye ache headache came back, my Vicks had worn off my eyeball.
So I got off and went and got my kids. I have not been able to do much with them because I am either too tired or sick...I have had 2 birthdays in the last couple weeks and was not able to do anything with them. I know I have all summer, but I feel like I failed. I have not lived up to my own expectation of who I am supposed to be. But that is something I need to mature past. Because my kids love me no matter what. And needless to say I do the best I can to make them smile. Today FOOD made them smile.
Those ribs were off the chain. I only ate a corner just to get a taste! SCOUTS HONOR!! But with them I made Sauteed Squash and Zucchini, of course some Bruschetta, and Zharea made some boxed mashed potatoes. They seemingly loved it all!! Ji got seconds on the squash. Now I am going to go ahead and put on the brownies so we can have brownies and floats.
SN: My first poaching experience has turned out to be a toilet paper looking disaster. I am already not particular about eggs, but this thing looked like it was ready to jump out and say I am the MUMMY from the pot!! But we split the egg 6 ways (yes 1 egg), I boiled my yolk a little more and put it in my seafood salad I made myself for lunch.
Outside of that I needed to see my kids who got to see their dad in his van on the way to work in his all white uniform. Bitter sweet. We laughed at the Bugar that was attacking out view and he drove away. One day we will all be off and able to enjoy our family. Until then we love in passing.
See love will be felt as long as the actions to maintain the feeling remains. We may not all see each other, but together or apart our family's love is UNBREAKABLE, just like that nasty looking poached egg. With a smile on my face and medication in hand, preparing to eat dessert and say good night to my fans--I sign off~
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
So today was a totally unexpectedly horrid day! Well I did anticipate a crap shot day as I woke up in a dreadful mood.
First, good thing to note is my 30 day challenge got a minor derailment with the health issues, but I am fully back on course. Last night I had a wonderful Steak Tips with Roasted Peppers and Mushrooms and Pan Fried Parmesean Bruschetta (pics available for viewing on FB)...Then for myself tonight I enjoyed what I have named Myshrooms Chicken...or pan fried skinless chicken breast cooked with onions, roasted peppers, garlic, and of course mushrooms..and flavored with Roasted Mushroom Red Wine Sauce! And it was wonderful, with another round of the Pan Fried Parmesean Bruschetta (Pics are also available on FB for viewing)...Well after my brutal work day, in which nothing seemed to want to go right. This meal was the silver lining in my nights sky.
Fortunately my kids decided to stay another night at Grandma's house and from what they text me, she has died her hair a nice shade of purple. Which I totally find hilarious. But I believe her hair is dark enough it will look good. Anyways, my sister mentioned dinner for the kids. Well I started tomorrow's dinner for them, since it would take a few hours to prepare. Country Style ribs yes mushrooms are on them too...I did not have the fixings for my homemade sauce the kids love, so I had to go bottle. It looks pretty darn good though. Tomorrow when I rise I can put together the trimmings.
Well it has turned out to be a fabulously great smelling evening here in my ARhoma (Aroma.home combo) lol...
My challenge has been working. Food is making the hubby want me more everyday. He enjoyed the steak so much after a minor microwave insult and asked for forgiveness in a most frisky manner!
Great start to a crap day that is ending beautifully. Well I don't have much as to say so I guess I am signing off~
First, good thing to note is my 30 day challenge got a minor derailment with the health issues, but I am fully back on course. Last night I had a wonderful Steak Tips with Roasted Peppers and Mushrooms and Pan Fried Parmesean Bruschetta (pics available for viewing on FB)...Then for myself tonight I enjoyed what I have named Myshrooms Chicken...or pan fried skinless chicken breast cooked with onions, roasted peppers, garlic, and of course mushrooms..and flavored with Roasted Mushroom Red Wine Sauce! And it was wonderful, with another round of the Pan Fried Parmesean Bruschetta (Pics are also available on FB for viewing)...Well after my brutal work day, in which nothing seemed to want to go right. This meal was the silver lining in my nights sky.
Fortunately my kids decided to stay another night at Grandma's house and from what they text me, she has died her hair a nice shade of purple. Which I totally find hilarious. But I believe her hair is dark enough it will look good. Anyways, my sister mentioned dinner for the kids. Well I started tomorrow's dinner for them, since it would take a few hours to prepare. Country Style ribs yes mushrooms are on them too...I did not have the fixings for my homemade sauce the kids love, so I had to go bottle. It looks pretty darn good though. Tomorrow when I rise I can put together the trimmings.
Well it has turned out to be a fabulously great smelling evening here in my ARhoma (Aroma.home combo) lol...
My challenge has been working. Food is making the hubby want me more everyday. He enjoyed the steak so much after a minor microwave insult and asked for forgiveness in a most frisky manner!
Great start to a crap day that is ending beautifully. Well I don't have much as to say so I guess I am signing off~
Monday, June 28, 2010
Recycled Pain
When I was younger, if you hurt me, I wished the same on you. As I have gotten a little wiser I have realized the same karma you wished on others may come back on you as well.
How? With wisdom comes compassion. You learn to forgive the mistakes of people in your past, and with that forgiveness comes the ability to wish them well. A true friend or expert in pain of the heart has empathy for those that hurt them.
Love is not something that should be taken lightly. For every arrow you throw, there are countless arrows heading your way. The pain seems to recycle itself like a rogue arrow.
I have made peace with my past and the one's that have hurt me in my past are no longer my foes but my friends. Today I got word that one of those friends has been hit with the same rogue arrow he threw. And I hate it. When will people ever learn? Perhaps they never will.
I take every moment as it comes and am learning to manifest positives out of the negatives. If something goes wrong, I cook. Lately that has been the most relaxing thing for me.
Tonight I enjoyed a creation of Steak Tips with Roasted Peppers and Mushrooms and some Pan Fried Parmesean Bruschetta! In every bite was a flavor I did not experience the previous bite. Worth every second I spent making it.
If we invested this much time and effort into the heart maybe more people would have more to savor. Well for now, I will just pray my arrows are sending pure love. Not torn or poisoned, not old and used, but real true love!
Love is the basis for everything we do. Some lash for the lack of love and some are overpowered by the love they have to share. Today I choose to share my overwhelming supply. Do not let one day pass without love on your side!
How? With wisdom comes compassion. You learn to forgive the mistakes of people in your past, and with that forgiveness comes the ability to wish them well. A true friend or expert in pain of the heart has empathy for those that hurt them.
Love is not something that should be taken lightly. For every arrow you throw, there are countless arrows heading your way. The pain seems to recycle itself like a rogue arrow.
I have made peace with my past and the one's that have hurt me in my past are no longer my foes but my friends. Today I got word that one of those friends has been hit with the same rogue arrow he threw. And I hate it. When will people ever learn? Perhaps they never will.
I take every moment as it comes and am learning to manifest positives out of the negatives. If something goes wrong, I cook. Lately that has been the most relaxing thing for me.
Tonight I enjoyed a creation of Steak Tips with Roasted Peppers and Mushrooms and some Pan Fried Parmesean Bruschetta! In every bite was a flavor I did not experience the previous bite. Worth every second I spent making it.
If we invested this much time and effort into the heart maybe more people would have more to savor. Well for now, I will just pray my arrows are sending pure love. Not torn or poisoned, not old and used, but real true love!
Love is the basis for everything we do. Some lash for the lack of love and some are overpowered by the love they have to share. Today I choose to share my overwhelming supply. Do not let one day pass without love on your side!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
well another day has come and gone and i feel the need to challenge myself. i need a goal, something to reach for so..my new goal is to cook for 30 days straight starting sunday. just to see if it positively affects my sex life. if it does the statement a way to his heart is thru his stomach is valid. well as for me i have a big doctors appt tomorrow. signing off
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wow! Is all I have to say.
I have always been as stubborn as a mule when it comes to my body. Never really dwell on the bad stuff or the unhealthy things. Hate taking medication, vitamins, or anything that is repetitious. I am a rebel!
Since I have turned 30 however, my body has been experiencing things I never knew. My blood pressure has been high, even not pregnant. Can't eat sugar and stuff the way I used to. I would dare not even try to burn the midnight oil partying because the few times I have tried I felt like it would take weeks to fix it.
I really get the best times out of hanging with my kids watching movies, or on the Wii. Or now loving on the hubby!!
I thought I was really gonna check out of here the other day. It was an eye opener. Diabetes runs in my family and I have been trying to take baby steps to keep it away from my door. But I also think I have a freaking ulcer! Or an issue with gas lol.
Tuesday was the worst tho. I didn't even see it coming. Most of the time, when I get sick I feel it coming. Not this time. It was different. Yes, I had clammy skin that morning, and expressed that to my hubby but I thought it was from being tired from the time we had the night before. Yes 12 hours of loving from the husband...Not done since ever for us. It was great. We bonded and it wasn't just sex, it was the conversation that went with it. It was so great just to lay in his arms and talk. Or he was laying on my belly talking. And yes we made up for months of not much sexing too!!
AWESOMEEEE!!
So back to my clammy skin. Took a shower before I left for work, for obvious reasons, but my skin still felt weird. That was the sign I did not pay attention to I guess. Because a couple of hours later, I was leaning on a counter not understanding what was going on. I totally thank God for my co-workers that day. I really believe Floyd kept me from a Diabetic coma. I have been reading about diabetes the last couple of days. And although I believe I don't have it, I do know it is hereditary. All of my dad's family has dealt with it. But if I manage my life I can deal with it.
I have a great family and kids and appreciate all the love and support I have. Although I have always run from doctor's for fear, my fears have me running to the doctor. I will never walk alone, because I have family and God, but this is something I have to face.
Over the years, I have always questioned my lifespan. Nothing I have ever really discussed with anyone, only myself. It was nothing to give birth to me, because I always wanted to do something great and that was my something great. And I love being a mom. My kids are great. It is scaring me the older they are getting tho. They are going to grow up and leave me and I support them because that is their destiny. But I have realized recently how much I want to be here to see them get old. Have my grandbabies. And some more stuff.
Yes I do some stuff that can contribute to a shorter life span, but I am working on those things. Right now got 2 on my list of NoNo's. I am also working on my marriage. I love my husband so much. We have been thru so much. It is like a vicious cycle. Everytime we get thru one thing something else comes up. But we are going to be just fine. Not because we look to anyone else, but we are learning to love each other and are becoming inseparable friends. We pray together now, we laugh together. We can just lay in the bed and hold each other's hand while watching movies. Just for spice, we have even been watching porn, lol. YES!! But we are happy now. Happier than we have ever been.
It felt so good to represent him at the reunion this weekend. I want to build our relationships with the folks in the family that matter. That's everybody. Now there are those few that can seriously kiss my ass, but for the most part we are trying.
IDK...I needed this blog right now. I am very sleepy and am finna listen to my body and go to sleep. If the girls shut up!!! They just can't clean quietly...lmao..
Well, I guess this is goodnight. I probably won't get back on til after my appointment and depending on the news. I pray for the best but feel I am ready for it all!! My future is as bright as the stars in the sky! And I will shine!!
Signing off~
I have always been as stubborn as a mule when it comes to my body. Never really dwell on the bad stuff or the unhealthy things. Hate taking medication, vitamins, or anything that is repetitious. I am a rebel!
Since I have turned 30 however, my body has been experiencing things I never knew. My blood pressure has been high, even not pregnant. Can't eat sugar and stuff the way I used to. I would dare not even try to burn the midnight oil partying because the few times I have tried I felt like it would take weeks to fix it.
I really get the best times out of hanging with my kids watching movies, or on the Wii. Or now loving on the hubby!!
I thought I was really gonna check out of here the other day. It was an eye opener. Diabetes runs in my family and I have been trying to take baby steps to keep it away from my door. But I also think I have a freaking ulcer! Or an issue with gas lol.
Tuesday was the worst tho. I didn't even see it coming. Most of the time, when I get sick I feel it coming. Not this time. It was different. Yes, I had clammy skin that morning, and expressed that to my hubby but I thought it was from being tired from the time we had the night before. Yes 12 hours of loving from the husband...Not done since ever for us. It was great. We bonded and it wasn't just sex, it was the conversation that went with it. It was so great just to lay in his arms and talk. Or he was laying on my belly talking. And yes we made up for months of not much sexing too!!
AWESOMEEEE!!
So back to my clammy skin. Took a shower before I left for work, for obvious reasons, but my skin still felt weird. That was the sign I did not pay attention to I guess. Because a couple of hours later, I was leaning on a counter not understanding what was going on. I totally thank God for my co-workers that day. I really believe Floyd kept me from a Diabetic coma. I have been reading about diabetes the last couple of days. And although I believe I don't have it, I do know it is hereditary. All of my dad's family has dealt with it. But if I manage my life I can deal with it.
I have a great family and kids and appreciate all the love and support I have. Although I have always run from doctor's for fear, my fears have me running to the doctor. I will never walk alone, because I have family and God, but this is something I have to face.
Over the years, I have always questioned my lifespan. Nothing I have ever really discussed with anyone, only myself. It was nothing to give birth to me, because I always wanted to do something great and that was my something great. And I love being a mom. My kids are great. It is scaring me the older they are getting tho. They are going to grow up and leave me and I support them because that is their destiny. But I have realized recently how much I want to be here to see them get old. Have my grandbabies. And some more stuff.
Yes I do some stuff that can contribute to a shorter life span, but I am working on those things. Right now got 2 on my list of NoNo's. I am also working on my marriage. I love my husband so much. We have been thru so much. It is like a vicious cycle. Everytime we get thru one thing something else comes up. But we are going to be just fine. Not because we look to anyone else, but we are learning to love each other and are becoming inseparable friends. We pray together now, we laugh together. We can just lay in the bed and hold each other's hand while watching movies. Just for spice, we have even been watching porn, lol. YES!! But we are happy now. Happier than we have ever been.
It felt so good to represent him at the reunion this weekend. I want to build our relationships with the folks in the family that matter. That's everybody. Now there are those few that can seriously kiss my ass, but for the most part we are trying.
IDK...I needed this blog right now. I am very sleepy and am finna listen to my body and go to sleep. If the girls shut up!!! They just can't clean quietly...lmao..
Well, I guess this is goodnight. I probably won't get back on til after my appointment and depending on the news. I pray for the best but feel I am ready for it all!! My future is as bright as the stars in the sky! And I will shine!!
Signing off~
Monday, June 14, 2010
The bible says that (in my own words) "my people perish for a lack of knowledge", and for 31 years I have only looked at that in a physical, financial way. Tonight God showed me something, yes he speaks to sinners too. When you don't attempt to get to know your loved ones or people in your life, the same thing applies. Family bonds are broken and torn because people don't take the time to get to know each other. This weekend I took the time to get to know my husband's family. People that have in my personal opinion.."offended" me throughout the years. But I realize it is partially my own doing, for not stepping up and trying to get to know them. For prejudging them and judging some of their actions for my perception of these situations. I am very sorry for that too. I enjoyed my weekend, and do feel closer to those I was not close to. There are still that few that can kiss my ass, but frankly, I think I will try next chance I get.
I thank God my mother in law had Aunt Scoop invite me. The kids were interviewed by the family and by the end of the weekend people knew their names and talked to them regularly. And you know, I think my husband was the proudest of everything.
D0n't miss out on love people, because in the end that is the only thing we really have!!
I thank God my mother in law had Aunt Scoop invite me. The kids were interviewed by the family and by the end of the weekend people knew their names and talked to them regularly. And you know, I think my husband was the proudest of everything.
D0n't miss out on love people, because in the end that is the only thing we really have!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
I was thinking tonight about friends. As I watched my son on his field trip, I said to myself, he is not playing with anyone, does he have any friends. Most of us go thru life counting associates as friends, but as I reflected on the relationships I have with people I really realized why none of my kids don't fit into the standards "society" raise.
I am really and truly a loner.
I have a very small number of people not related to me that I consider friends and/or family and I am not ashamed to list them. Because these people don't ask anything of me. Don't expect me to come around, and a couple of them, when I tried dumping them, never stopped seeing about me.
Tonight I feel the need to mention them, one by one and why I consider them a friend.
Amilee...I don't talk to her often, have only spoken to her a couple of times this year, but when we talk it is like we never missed a beat. She has a life, young, white, dating a black guy, but she listens to me. She values my opinion and has been there for me in some tough times. She has tried to make me more sociable although I am not. But she cares.
Stephanie...also young, but I don't care what the situation, she has been a friend. Listening, or letting me listen, she has remained the same thru thick and thin. She cares about my family and is part of my family as far as I am concerned.
Qiana....wild but there. I have helped her learn about relationships and she has introduced me to my hubby. She and I talk a lot and have so much in common. She understands, now, where I come from when I say certain things. And I know if pinned against a wall she will be there. With punching gloves on.
Sean...thru his friendship I learned how to be me. Opinionated at times, he never backed down to give it to me as it was or is. And although situations hinder our conversation, I know he has always had my best interest at heart. His friendship is one I would not pay to change.
Then there is Michael David...my first boyfriend, saw me thru my first pregnancy nad even tho the relationship end never panned out, throughout the years nothing has changed. We are older and wiser and when he needs a friend to talk to, I am there, and when I need a listening ear, he is there.
My list of friends may not be long and include some people most would overlook because of their lifestyle and how they live, but they are my only true friends and until someone proves otherwise they will always be on that list. Recently I had to explain my relationship with a couple to my hubby and although he is not particular about a couple of them, he understands that I would not be the woman I am today without them.
How is this managable, it is! Because friendship, true friendship goes beyond what you read in fairy tale stories and drama stories. Love conquors all. And I appreciate all of these people and what they have contributed to my life. So if you have a friend like this, thank them for their friendship and let them know now how and why they are so important to you.
A couple of thank you's may mean the difference between a world of no appreciation....LOVE CONQUORS ALL!
I am really and truly a loner.
I have a very small number of people not related to me that I consider friends and/or family and I am not ashamed to list them. Because these people don't ask anything of me. Don't expect me to come around, and a couple of them, when I tried dumping them, never stopped seeing about me.
Tonight I feel the need to mention them, one by one and why I consider them a friend.
Amilee...I don't talk to her often, have only spoken to her a couple of times this year, but when we talk it is like we never missed a beat. She has a life, young, white, dating a black guy, but she listens to me. She values my opinion and has been there for me in some tough times. She has tried to make me more sociable although I am not. But she cares.
Stephanie...also young, but I don't care what the situation, she has been a friend. Listening, or letting me listen, she has remained the same thru thick and thin. She cares about my family and is part of my family as far as I am concerned.
Qiana....wild but there. I have helped her learn about relationships and she has introduced me to my hubby. She and I talk a lot and have so much in common. She understands, now, where I come from when I say certain things. And I know if pinned against a wall she will be there. With punching gloves on.
Sean...thru his friendship I learned how to be me. Opinionated at times, he never backed down to give it to me as it was or is. And although situations hinder our conversation, I know he has always had my best interest at heart. His friendship is one I would not pay to change.
Then there is Michael David...my first boyfriend, saw me thru my first pregnancy nad even tho the relationship end never panned out, throughout the years nothing has changed. We are older and wiser and when he needs a friend to talk to, I am there, and when I need a listening ear, he is there.
My list of friends may not be long and include some people most would overlook because of their lifestyle and how they live, but they are my only true friends and until someone proves otherwise they will always be on that list. Recently I had to explain my relationship with a couple to my hubby and although he is not particular about a couple of them, he understands that I would not be the woman I am today without them.
How is this managable, it is! Because friendship, true friendship goes beyond what you read in fairy tale stories and drama stories. Love conquors all. And I appreciate all of these people and what they have contributed to my life. So if you have a friend like this, thank them for their friendship and let them know now how and why they are so important to you.
A couple of thank you's may mean the difference between a world of no appreciation....LOVE CONQUORS ALL!
Sometimes as parents, we under estimate the effect we have on our kids. When they do good, we are proud and express so, and when they do not so good things we tend to kill ourselves or pass it off as they are not listening.
But our kids watch us and listen more than we know. And when you least expect it they prove that.
Though throughout their lives they will experience adversities that you feel may harm them, it often times makes them a better person.
My son is allergic to things found in almost everything we eat. But he eats and takes benadryll and his medications to contain his asthma.
Early this school year, I thought the boy was nuts, but he has grown to be such a little gentleman that even his teacher expressed her joy of having him around. The difference one conference my husband had with his teacher has made is unspeakable.
And I am proud and blessed to have my husband, my mom, my sis, my church and my kids in my life.
Though we are a big family and people say it is impossible, we are happy. We are blessed to have each other. And though I think that there are some things I would change at times, I wouldn't because if those things had not occurred I would not be experiencing the joy my life has become.
But our kids watch us and listen more than we know. And when you least expect it they prove that.
Though throughout their lives they will experience adversities that you feel may harm them, it often times makes them a better person.
My son is allergic to things found in almost everything we eat. But he eats and takes benadryll and his medications to contain his asthma.
Early this school year, I thought the boy was nuts, but he has grown to be such a little gentleman that even his teacher expressed her joy of having him around. The difference one conference my husband had with his teacher has made is unspeakable.
And I am proud and blessed to have my husband, my mom, my sis, my church and my kids in my life.
Though we are a big family and people say it is impossible, we are happy. We are blessed to have each other. And though I think that there are some things I would change at times, I wouldn't because if those things had not occurred I would not be experiencing the joy my life has become.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Let's see.
You build a family, with nothing.
You fuck up the family for nothing.
The family tries to mend, everyone has to make a bend.
My back loses it's grip, my spine cracks.
I don't let it paralyze me however, I move on.
Now the nothing stays paid, and you bitch about my due.
Don't you remember the 5 kids I gave you.
Fuck what you heard, I work hard for what I got.
And if I get caught slippin' it's your job to cushion my fall.
It was your job before you just didn't take it seriously.
But time will make a difference, you will not stay on top of me!
I am working on my day, that all I have to say, is bitch if you got a problem
You don't have to stay with me!
Cuz I will hold it down, no matter what you think.
This shit is temporary, that is why I am working to better me!
My day coming where the money gonna flow, as long as I'm patient and wait
it will come.
But you still got that check going to the nothing you hurt me for
I want a fuckin refund before I walk out the door.
If I ask you to do something it is not because I want to
It is because I have to because I have to let my pride go.
5 kids made me stay, and love a little too, but bitch you better believe
My pride will let go of you!
All I got to say this time while you sit here and pout,
is get over the shit right now...AND EMPTY YA BANK ACCOUNT!!!
You build a family, with nothing.
You fuck up the family for nothing.
The family tries to mend, everyone has to make a bend.
My back loses it's grip, my spine cracks.
I don't let it paralyze me however, I move on.
Now the nothing stays paid, and you bitch about my due.
Don't you remember the 5 kids I gave you.
Fuck what you heard, I work hard for what I got.
And if I get caught slippin' it's your job to cushion my fall.
It was your job before you just didn't take it seriously.
But time will make a difference, you will not stay on top of me!
I am working on my day, that all I have to say, is bitch if you got a problem
You don't have to stay with me!
Cuz I will hold it down, no matter what you think.
This shit is temporary, that is why I am working to better me!
My day coming where the money gonna flow, as long as I'm patient and wait
it will come.
But you still got that check going to the nothing you hurt me for
I want a fuckin refund before I walk out the door.
If I ask you to do something it is not because I want to
It is because I have to because I have to let my pride go.
5 kids made me stay, and love a little too, but bitch you better believe
My pride will let go of you!
All I got to say this time while you sit here and pout,
is get over the shit right now...AND EMPTY YA BANK ACCOUNT!!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Just a thought, random of sorts. If I had to be a flower which flower would I be. A daisy, no because everytime I hear the word I think of someone flukee. A lily, naw baby, that seems morbid and dead, lifeless and boring. I would have to be a rose...
Although as common the response is, there is a reason why. First I don't know many flowers, I am allergic. (Just to make ya laugh)
But to think of the rose. It starts out so meek and precious, on the surface seemingly inviting. But when you look at a rose really good, the part you hold on to is thorny and painful. Like any wound to extend the life once plucked you put a little salt on the wound. Then after it is dead and gone, it is still beautiful because under pressure its beauty is sealed for a life time.
I enjoy pressing roses. The color is like no other, even under those circumstances. And although you may think you have killed it after removing the beautiful pedals, the thorny portion that remains rooted in who it is, blossoms into the same beautiful flower produced before it was picked on. And those thorns that were there all along the stem have harden and multiplied giving an armour many would avoid.
I am that rose. I have been wounded, plucked, pressed, but my firm roots of who I am keep me strong. While my thorns that were there to protect me before stand taller with new thorns there to make it even more difficult to take me again. And above this strength you find my beauty. Because my purpose is to produce beauty, I can only be what I am. No matter what color I come out. I come out more vibrant than you saw me before.
This rose is permenantly seeled in time. Colors forever remain. I am Shadreana beautiful, strong, creative in my pedals, unique and full of grace. Undeniably irreplacable by the beauty of any other flower! Because I am. I am the best God has to offer!!
Feeling myself and my strength right now. Proud of my steps that I have made. Although everyone has room for improvement. There is something to be said for realizing your own beauty through the test of time. I am a testament of how life, hurts, pain, despair can change to create a passion for life like no other. And I love and appreciate who I have become! No need for applause by any other. I love myself, even if there is no other!!! Muah Feelin myself right now!!! I <3 ME!!
Although as common the response is, there is a reason why. First I don't know many flowers, I am allergic. (Just to make ya laugh)
But to think of the rose. It starts out so meek and precious, on the surface seemingly inviting. But when you look at a rose really good, the part you hold on to is thorny and painful. Like any wound to extend the life once plucked you put a little salt on the wound. Then after it is dead and gone, it is still beautiful because under pressure its beauty is sealed for a life time.
I enjoy pressing roses. The color is like no other, even under those circumstances. And although you may think you have killed it after removing the beautiful pedals, the thorny portion that remains rooted in who it is, blossoms into the same beautiful flower produced before it was picked on. And those thorns that were there all along the stem have harden and multiplied giving an armour many would avoid.
I am that rose. I have been wounded, plucked, pressed, but my firm roots of who I am keep me strong. While my thorns that were there to protect me before stand taller with new thorns there to make it even more difficult to take me again. And above this strength you find my beauty. Because my purpose is to produce beauty, I can only be what I am. No matter what color I come out. I come out more vibrant than you saw me before.
This rose is permenantly seeled in time. Colors forever remain. I am Shadreana beautiful, strong, creative in my pedals, unique and full of grace. Undeniably irreplacable by the beauty of any other flower! Because I am. I am the best God has to offer!!
Feeling myself and my strength right now. Proud of my steps that I have made. Although everyone has room for improvement. There is something to be said for realizing your own beauty through the test of time. I am a testament of how life, hurts, pain, despair can change to create a passion for life like no other. And I love and appreciate who I have become! No need for applause by any other. I love myself, even if there is no other!!! Muah Feelin myself right now!!! I <3 ME!!
I am laughing at things right now, that may not be too funny. I remember the days I would be under you like a wart, and now you try and jump at the chance to move when I move. Hahahahahaha....is it that you know I done let go of a lot of the stress. Or have you just realized you dealing with the best.
You see the way they look now, like dang I wish she was mine! You hear the words I hear, man you sure are fine! I figure it like this...7 pregnancies, 9 years of stress, and a lifetime of hurt later....I am far from a dime...you better put the $100 bills in the place where the coin slot broke down. I am who I am sexy and free. I am who I am undeniably me.
I know you like them ugly, dumb, and not too neat; but you got yourself a real woman....and I bet you gonna pay me! Pay me some attention, pay me with your time...don't forget the Benjamin's cuz ya girl still love to shine!
LOL just in a bit of a moment, smelling my charm. My swagga is constantly on F..full cuz I'm number 1!!!
You see the way they look now, like dang I wish she was mine! You hear the words I hear, man you sure are fine! I figure it like this...7 pregnancies, 9 years of stress, and a lifetime of hurt later....I am far from a dime...you better put the $100 bills in the place where the coin slot broke down. I am who I am sexy and free. I am who I am undeniably me.
I know you like them ugly, dumb, and not too neat; but you got yourself a real woman....and I bet you gonna pay me! Pay me some attention, pay me with your time...don't forget the Benjamin's cuz ya girl still love to shine!
LOL just in a bit of a moment, smelling my charm. My swagga is constantly on F..full cuz I'm number 1!!!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
WTF Eva
Ok so I figure myself to be an open-minded person. Who trusts no one!!! and keeps it tight like that. Well obviously if you have hurt me before your ass is definitely in the no fly zone to do it again. So when you say you have to work for indefinitely weeks straight do I believe that shit, HELL No!!! Look bruh I am trying to give ya ass some trust but you and me ain't ever gonna be on that level. Am I sweating ya ass no...I keeps myself occupied.
So when I call ya ass to ask you what's the hell is up I don't think you at work? Don't catch no fuckin additude with me, because additude = GUILT in my book. Bitch you may have gotten away with the shit before but unfortunately ya girl done stepped up her game, made some changes, and learned the art of speed dial.
Ya ass can be replaced....TOTALLY with no questions asked. Keep acting like you know my name and I know good and damn well you don't!!!
So when I call ya ass to ask you what's the hell is up I don't think you at work? Don't catch no fuckin additude with me, because additude = GUILT in my book. Bitch you may have gotten away with the shit before but unfortunately ya girl done stepped up her game, made some changes, and learned the art of speed dial.
Ya ass can be replaced....TOTALLY with no questions asked. Keep acting like you know my name and I know good and damn well you don't!!!
No Strings
I'm thinking that a woman scorned is not what she used to be! Women today are really, not only tired of the bullshit, but have learned to play the game!
Why sit and wait to cry again, when you can just take care of you!
I am no longer defined by my husband which is probably why we are doing so much better, but I see it bothers him, when I take my stance and don't let down. Hey you should have appreciated the dumb bitch who would run behind you, but now I done had a major reality check that says, "Your approval is unneccessary!" Yes this is an inconvenience to the others who used to run me over, and play with my strings, because when I cut the strings and took control. I CUT THEM ALL! All for me!
Now I take pride in the pimp of my step and let not others judge me. Yes I wear my tongue ring, love my tats, but underneath it all I am still me. The girl turned woman that can mesmerize with a smile. I will still do for others, but on my own terms and conditions.
I am no longer the one that sits on the shelf and when you remember you need to dust me off, I am there.
You almost better be careful, because it is strongly becoming my belief that turnabout is fair play! I always heard payback was that name you used to call me!
Why sit and wait to cry again, when you can just take care of you!
I am no longer defined by my husband which is probably why we are doing so much better, but I see it bothers him, when I take my stance and don't let down. Hey you should have appreciated the dumb bitch who would run behind you, but now I done had a major reality check that says, "Your approval is unneccessary!" Yes this is an inconvenience to the others who used to run me over, and play with my strings, because when I cut the strings and took control. I CUT THEM ALL! All for me!
Now I take pride in the pimp of my step and let not others judge me. Yes I wear my tongue ring, love my tats, but underneath it all I am still me. The girl turned woman that can mesmerize with a smile. I will still do for others, but on my own terms and conditions.
I am no longer the one that sits on the shelf and when you remember you need to dust me off, I am there.
You almost better be careful, because it is strongly becoming my belief that turnabout is fair play! I always heard payback was that name you used to call me!
Just had the cruelest thought pass through my head for know reason...Wasn't even thinking of anyone...But it was this
If we were in a sinking ship, I would push you out and watch you drown and laugh at the fun we spent...
Seriously not understanding it, but oh well...Maybe I am supressing some anger lmao...MAYBE!
If we were in a sinking ship, I would push you out and watch you drown and laugh at the fun we spent...
Seriously not understanding it, but oh well...Maybe I am supressing some anger lmao...MAYBE!
Paths
Ever had a suggestion and did not know how to respond. Even though they were wrong, you just did not know how to respond. Well I have the tool...ignore it! When advice is given it is up to the person to process the advice and apply it if needed. In this case it went un-needed. I am enjoying my days, enjoying my life a little more everyday. Freedom and responsibility work hand and hand. If you want freedom, you have to be responsible. For me it is simply being able to lay in my bed all day no questions asked. Do I get to do it all the time, but the occassional lazy day can be forgiven, lol. Same thing with other issues, I may not partake of the forbidden fruit often but when I do it is out of the reach of others.
To each his own. My path is not your path. My fate is not your fate. My hope is not your hope. My belief is not your belief. Why?? We all have to make a decision in life that will set us apart from others. A decision that speaks bounds to who you are. Although we may not actively participate or indulge in things that are what we are or are good for us, everyone has their forbidden fruit. No matter how you slice it, it is forbidden for a reason. We just have to live each day hoping to find another way.
I am also finding that some things I grew up believing I am starting to question. It is hard because to me the things that are concerning me are very harsh. Another topic another day, this one may take a while.
To each his own. My path is not your path. My fate is not your fate. My hope is not your hope. My belief is not your belief. Why?? We all have to make a decision in life that will set us apart from others. A decision that speaks bounds to who you are. Although we may not actively participate or indulge in things that are what we are or are good for us, everyone has their forbidden fruit. No matter how you slice it, it is forbidden for a reason. We just have to live each day hoping to find another way.
I am also finding that some things I grew up believing I am starting to question. It is hard because to me the things that are concerning me are very harsh. Another topic another day, this one may take a while.
Wonder
U ever been confused..Don't know what to make of a situation. Past events just clouding your mind. I sit in that state right now, not know if it is really true anymore. Yes the proof comes weekly but the fact that I am having a hard time believing it is a legit is harder than it seems. It just seems like it can't be true. Illegal even. So I watch and wait. Lookng out the window, waiting to see what time tonight. I could drive out there, and as with times before not find what I am looking for because it is dark and I am lost. If I believe him and it turns out bad, my heart will be crushed again! But not totally because this time, I got something to retaliate with. Yes I said it. This time, I am playing my cards right and the egg will not just be smeared on my face. Does it matter that I can not trust him?? Yes. But no. He made this life. And I will not be the mat ever again!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Meaning of It All
I woke up this morning, in rare form, awake before it was time to get up and get dressed. Although, I knew my meeting would be great, I was nervous. It seems there is so much going on in my life and head right now. And I just want to know what the meaning of it all is.
People often say if you are not living according to a master plan you are not living, but I do enjoy the sporadic incedents of my life. Being a mother and wife is important but that is not all that I am. I am a worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a motivator to a lot of people; but who motivates me.
Some people question your sincerety in situations, but don't understand you spend the better part of your night waking up thinking, processing situations that occur. I live in the past, but I live for today. There is no meaning in that. My task is simple. Not only live everyday like it is my last but find purpose in what I am living. Beyond parenthood.
Oh well. Good luck to me. Maybe one day I will figure it out!
People often say if you are not living according to a master plan you are not living, but I do enjoy the sporadic incedents of my life. Being a mother and wife is important but that is not all that I am. I am a worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a motivator to a lot of people; but who motivates me.
Some people question your sincerety in situations, but don't understand you spend the better part of your night waking up thinking, processing situations that occur. I live in the past, but I live for today. There is no meaning in that. My task is simple. Not only live everyday like it is my last but find purpose in what I am living. Beyond parenthood.
Oh well. Good luck to me. Maybe one day I will figure it out!
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