Ok I havent taken the time to blog in so long, and so much has happened lately that I don't know where to begin. I guess I will go smallest to largest. Kids are growing up so fast! Zharea is going to her second homecoming this weekend and turning 16 next month. Vyctorea is becoming a teen tis year, her body and personality exemplify that. The boys are playing football. Got some help in making them more manly. I suck at being one. And little Sara isn't so little anymore. Big mouth and all...they keep me busy with their schedules too. Well mom is doing well and adventures of raie in dc is always ever changing. Shedrick, my once love turned friend is still my friend there is just no love there like that and we have both moved on. I actually started seeing someone I went to school with for a while, every Wednesday for hump day, but essentially it ended when I met "the boyfriend". I am now divorced, seeing someone and in the last two months that situation has transitioned before my eyes. Some area I really don't know what to do. This is one of those cases that you know what the outcome will be but you hope against hope your faith in love and hope that true love exist steps in. Yes, rose colored glasses with delusions. Lately I find myself thinking about whether or not the risk is worth the action, but then I go back to think about how compatible we are and it makes it hard as hell. He has been here for all my new ailments and even the kids, but work and other stations are bogging down the schedules. Oh yeah, I got back into school and am taking 4 classes. I am maintaining, so I am glad. But really my love life stays on my mind. Don't have many,if anyone to talk to about and really care not to discuss it. Even when discuss it the conversation goes disgruntled. Lol. He has his strong it's gonna be okay opinion and I am realistic person at the end of the day, so that means, yes I have a tendency to think and talk things into the ground. I don't want him to go over seas, but part of me wants him to...I don't know. All I can do is pray. Sad part I can't really even blog in detail because of nosey people who will add their two cents and get mad. I knowmy body is exhausted....need a vacation!

Love Him

Ever loved without that love being returned. Or its returned but not in knowledge it is. Have you ever had the question posed, "Could we be soul mates?" Only to have the fear of what has been redirect. I have. I am. I love him, but move as though it doesn't exist. My best friend, my heart, my everything. You complete me. It is my belief, if the love is real time will bring us back to each other's arms. Purest love does not need reaction for it acts on its own!

Truth

Well we are 30 days 18 hours and 25 minutes into the New Year of 2012, and issues I thought and determined myself to let go, I seemingly carried into the new year with me. Not bad issues, only bad for me. Still nawing on that old bone. I cried for the first time in I don't know how long about being lonely. I completely know the tears trigger was none other than my best friend. He and his children were at my house most of the weekend, which I thought I would handle with flying colors. I have been able to maintain control of my emotional state, as far as he is concerned; by remembering some of the statements that he made when we were down on each other. However, for some reason, my love has grown. It has not diminished in any capacity. Funny part of the entire realization, which came after everytime I thought about something he said or if he did something, "I hate him". Confirmation that my feelings are just the opposite. Sometimes I really wish that I could just detach my feelings and enclose them in the safe until someone worthy or willing to accept my life without denial or personal withdrawals. My friend mentioned the fact that I made the statement "Nobody is going to want me with 5 kids." First I put nobody before them. Secondly, I love him. I really do. And what burns me up the most is the fact that I have told him this several times. And although we agreed to refrain from mentioning it, he is the one that keeps brining it up. WTF! He has even admitted to certain feelings before. Let's not forget how many discussions we have had about "our feelings" and yes I let it slip that the only reason I went on my holiday date was because of things he had said. Yes, it hurt when you said, "she is a good girl, she reminds me of you..." That isn't cool. You want her, but love is staring you right in the face. Oh less we forget the conversation YOU had with me in the drive thru of McDonalds on the phone. "You never know, someday we may. I admit I got love for you." YOU ARE AN IDIOT ASS!! I am normally pretty darn good with harnessing all my love for you into something totally different. I know why this is happeneing because when we are together, especially with the kids mine and yours all 11 or 13 of them, we feel like a family. Although this is all so true, although I will probably love you til the day I leave this earth...I got to let go of the love some kind of way. Dating is not working because nobody makes me feel like you do. You have the unique art of pissing me off, and putting a smile on my face with out trying. I can share anything with you outside of my feelings for you. Only because it makes things awkward. I respect your wanting to venture out into the land of whore. And am glad for that night you said you don't want to hurt me. But at the end of the day, I am in love with my best friend, who accepts me for me, flaws and all...and Lord knows you and all your insanity I accept and love you for. You have been there to catch my tears, share my fears, and enjoy the good moments as well. We share many similarities that most people don't understand. Loving you just comes so easy to me. You were on the road and asked me if I thought maybe we were "soulmates." I declined to answer because I knew it would get me no where with you. However, I know you are my soul mate. And because of your stubborness and my stubborness we may never stand a chance at more than arguing about not loving each other. Even when everybody around us sees it. There is no ones snore I rather hear. There is no ones shit I rather smell. There is no one I would rather talk about the retardilistic things we discuss. There is no one that can replace you. I will never pursue us again. Because the rejection at the end of the day, hurt more than you will ever know. My new prayer is that God remove the love, so that I can heal. Not to save a friendship, not to move on the next person. Just because you are apart of me: big decision, little decisions, good moments, bad...you. But as I figure lately, you are probably like that with everybody. After you pretended like the things I discussed with your sister were me being delusional...which we both know is far from the fucking truth...that became my prayer. But I stopped praying it because I had a distraction at the time. Well no distraction right now, and even with the distraction, I kept comparing him to you in my mind...retard. I love you, and am in love with you. But I have to let it go. God will heal me. God will remove the love. One day you will look up and remember these conversations, and it will be too late, because I will not love this hard soon because God will heal me! Well..I LOVE YOU SJD! That will be the last time it leaves my lips. Because like Mary, it will remain hidden in my heart until God simply removes all residue! Well I must feel a bit better, sleep is consuming me. So I guess this is goodnite. Signing off~

A Wish

My best friend in life and love wrote this poem in 4th grade. He won a $50 bond for this and never cashed it in ((gots to help in find it))!! So I dedicate this post to him, so that when he moves on Shedrick will have a piece of my history!!

I wish that I could find way To read at least an hour a day, for seven days a week, the whole year through and keep inside my head, everything I read. What an educated person I would be if I read as much as I watch TV!

Update

A writer once said, "Life's lessons are designed to test the true tenacity of the reality within. Your weakness during the lesson does not the determine the outcome of who you are, but the strength that motivates you to move on. If you succeed in continuing on to the end of the lesson, you will not only see the best of who you are, but the true person that lies beneath the struggle." My last few months have been impossibly dreadful, but the strength of my conviction, the woman I am, and my hope for a better tomorrow keeps me moving forward. Tonight I cried for only the one millionth time tonight, not because I am failing, but because the sacrifice seems greater than the end result. Although I know this is not the reality of my situation, sometimes you fall. But as Donnie McClurkin so finely stated it in song, "We fall down, but we get back up." First there is the dissolution of marriage that I am contending. Even though there have been signs over the years, the man that I know today, I never expected. No love or concern for his own children. My worth is the maximum of his paycheck or his expected weakness in me. Not knowing that as gullible as I can be, my heart is growing colder than ice on a daily basis. Therefore, his attempts at making a mockery of marriage and continuing to do his norm are really becoming his downfall. His mother, the queen bitch of my existence: Fake, phony, the very reason many people wouldn't step into a sanctuary. I almost have no words for her, except to say "You thought I was weak minded, but have realized the only way you will control them is to keep them locked in your cave, but time will bring out truths you will have to face and your evils will fall into place." Then there is the missing my kids. God I can't wait until I can yell at them daily about cleaning, watch them cry, sleep, eat, poop, lol, well I can wait on that. But they are the best part of me and what motivates who I am. I work this hard for them. School is for them and me, but it means more that they are the reason I will be what I want! Mom and sis are a back bone and great support. That is all on them. Thorn in my side is my heart. The Him in my soul that I am extracting. I should have never fallen, but I did in ignorance. I see the reality of who he is and accept it. However, I don't deserve him, really I don't. If I could just make myself not feel what I feel it would be better. I have gotten to the point I don't care what people say, he says, or I say I know that it is best to keep everything platonic. I see the writing on the wall. The FB wall. I am good in my place or as needed. But I believe Dylan gave me the best medicine. A prescription I am effectively using. I will not be a horse, cow, ox, stallion, one of many of anything. Believe that! DUI. Almost over it! 166 more hours and I will have the fines paid. I have already taken the DUI class, MADD class, SA eval, 50 community service hours. In the words of Tiana (Princess and the Frog) I'm almost there. Homework due Tuesday, must complete today. But for now I am going to bed. I got sleep venting. So I am definitely taking my leave. Oh, before I do, I must acknowledge the writer of the opening lines. Definitely ME! I said it, I believe, that settles it. Signing off~ P.S. All of the previous posts of the day, were posts sitting in my drafts. Some go back as far as 2010. But as this is MY blog I decided, I would post them. Why waste good words being hidden. That is all Siging off (for real this time)~

F U Pay ME

Let me get this straight.

I work.

I take care of home.

I apply for foodstamps, medicaid.

I don't get child support like the nothing does.

I am a real WOMAN.

Handles my own shit most of the time.

You on your own fucking dick right now, cuz you made some bread.

Lest we forget we got a roof to keep on our head.

You act like moving was going to be easy. Like we didn't need shit, like my kids ain't greedy.

Gas. I got to buy too. You already don't do shit for me!!!!!!

Do you get a bitch hair done NO. Do you buy a bitch clothes, shoes, SUMTHIN HELL NO!!

So yes, you broke me off money that I ended up using for your children and home.

I would love you to tell me how the hell I was supposed to do it all. With an imaginary pay!

Oh, maybe I should have a sugar daddy. Someone to pay my way. If that is the case, what the hell are you here for!

I said it once, and I'll say it again. As much as I have been fucked over in the past, it will no longer take anything for me to say FUCK YOU PAY ME!

Look the only reason you ain't on papers is because you have been known not to fuck up.

But I am tired of everytime I do come to ya trifling ass you got some huffing and puffing to do.

Bitch you don't huff and puff bout the money coming out ya shit every fucking week to go to that bitch so why the fuck you huff at me. If my calculations serve me correctly technically I get $50*5 plus alimony at least!!!

You don't get nothing done for me. Real men take care of their wives. Make sure they look nice. Hair, nails, outfit every once in a while. Bitch I have to bow down for money for household shit...

KEEP IT UP, TAKE CARE OF YOU...because just he same I can find someone to take care..BETTER care than you ever have!!!

I am worth more than begging for shit from anyone. And the day is coming where ya ass is going to be unneccessary. Then who going to be huffing!!!

Then you tell me come to you...This is the result of coming to you.

I hate this fucking shit and can't wait to be back on top. It is fastly approaching. I finish my program in October and I am making plans to use it on my resume and find me a something making.

It is what it is.....I'm tired of the bull shit!!

I sit and I wonder what it all means. Am I making steps to get better, or is it all just me avoiding.

I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.

I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.

I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.

To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.

So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!

So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.

Nothing has taken me out like this before.