Truth

Well we are 30 days 18 hours and 25 minutes into the New Year of 2012, and issues I thought and determined myself to let go, I seemingly carried into the new year with me. Not bad issues, only bad for me. Still nawing on that old bone. I cried for the first time in I don't know how long about being lonely. I completely know the tears trigger was none other than my best friend. He and his children were at my house most of the weekend, which I thought I would handle with flying colors. I have been able to maintain control of my emotional state, as far as he is concerned; by remembering some of the statements that he made when we were down on each other. However, for some reason, my love has grown. It has not diminished in any capacity. Funny part of the entire realization, which came after everytime I thought about something he said or if he did something, "I hate him". Confirmation that my feelings are just the opposite. Sometimes I really wish that I could just detach my feelings and enclose them in the safe until someone worthy or willing to accept my life without denial or personal withdrawals. My friend mentioned the fact that I made the statement "Nobody is going to want me with 5 kids." First I put nobody before them. Secondly, I love him. I really do. And what burns me up the most is the fact that I have told him this several times. And although we agreed to refrain from mentioning it, he is the one that keeps brining it up. WTF! He has even admitted to certain feelings before. Let's not forget how many discussions we have had about "our feelings" and yes I let it slip that the only reason I went on my holiday date was because of things he had said. Yes, it hurt when you said, "she is a good girl, she reminds me of you..." That isn't cool. You want her, but love is staring you right in the face. Oh less we forget the conversation YOU had with me in the drive thru of McDonalds on the phone. "You never know, someday we may. I admit I got love for you." YOU ARE AN IDIOT ASS!! I am normally pretty darn good with harnessing all my love for you into something totally different. I know why this is happeneing because when we are together, especially with the kids mine and yours all 11 or 13 of them, we feel like a family. Although this is all so true, although I will probably love you til the day I leave this earth...I got to let go of the love some kind of way. Dating is not working because nobody makes me feel like you do. You have the unique art of pissing me off, and putting a smile on my face with out trying. I can share anything with you outside of my feelings for you. Only because it makes things awkward. I respect your wanting to venture out into the land of whore. And am glad for that night you said you don't want to hurt me. But at the end of the day, I am in love with my best friend, who accepts me for me, flaws and all...and Lord knows you and all your insanity I accept and love you for. You have been there to catch my tears, share my fears, and enjoy the good moments as well. We share many similarities that most people don't understand. Loving you just comes so easy to me. You were on the road and asked me if I thought maybe we were "soulmates." I declined to answer because I knew it would get me no where with you. However, I know you are my soul mate. And because of your stubborness and my stubborness we may never stand a chance at more than arguing about not loving each other. Even when everybody around us sees it. There is no ones snore I rather hear. There is no ones shit I rather smell. There is no one I would rather talk about the retardilistic things we discuss. There is no one that can replace you. I will never pursue us again. Because the rejection at the end of the day, hurt more than you will ever know. My new prayer is that God remove the love, so that I can heal. Not to save a friendship, not to move on the next person. Just because you are apart of me: big decision, little decisions, good moments, bad...you. But as I figure lately, you are probably like that with everybody. After you pretended like the things I discussed with your sister were me being delusional...which we both know is far from the fucking truth...that became my prayer. But I stopped praying it because I had a distraction at the time. Well no distraction right now, and even with the distraction, I kept comparing him to you in my mind...retard. I love you, and am in love with you. But I have to let it go. God will heal me. God will remove the love. One day you will look up and remember these conversations, and it will be too late, because I will not love this hard soon because God will heal me! Well..I LOVE YOU SJD! That will be the last time it leaves my lips. Because like Mary, it will remain hidden in my heart until God simply removes all residue! Well I must feel a bit better, sleep is consuming me. So I guess this is goodnite. Signing off~