As the song goes, “I’ve got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow. Got the string around my finger, what a world what a life…I’m in love!” (Frank Sinatra)
My life has come full circle. It just registered this weekend waiting on these results that everything is in its place, except for my health. I have 5 wonderful, smart, healthy, and happy children that God has blessed me with. I have family and friends that are supportive, albeit some judgmental, but supportive nonetheless. Everyone’s life is moving consistently in an upward pattern. My marriage has shifted to become a happy one. We smile, we talk, we make love, and we are friends. Yes, we have our moments but we have learned to value those moments and turn them into memories. I have a job that I love, and am afraid I will become detached from.
The uncertainty of mortality is something that can drive one mad. Confidences that things will be okay are often times set aside by the fear of reality and the thought that no one person can be in such a great place without a new trial. My health has become the new trial, but one that I am strong enough to conquer.
My life has been about survival. One way or the other, I have always had to fight for peace of mind, happiness, and balance. Although my path may not have always been one that others would have chosen, my path has placed me in a position of joy. How many people do you know survive the loss of a child, infidelity, abortions, death of family, all within brief years, and arrive at their current destination with a smile on their face. In my moments of insanity, there has always been a way for me to find the silver lining.
When I see my children, I see all of the positives and negatives of me. I have always been a hopeless romantic, one who believed that fairy tale and reality can coincide. Because of these inconceivable notions of fantasy, it has made me stand out from the crowd.
Turning my “Yes ma’am” lifestyle into an I can decide for myself position has given me strength that is on levels of Superhero. Because I can think for myself and make decisions that would please me, despite the judgments of others. No, I do not want offend, but people must understand that any decisions that I make will be for myself.
For now my life is in God’s hands. I may not be living the way many may have me, but I am living. At the end of the day, I have to be okay with the decisions that I have made in life. Because it is my life and I choose to live it. No matter what the results may say, I have survived too much to miss out on the things that mean the most to me. Seeing my children grown, seeing my grandchildren and possible great-grandchildren. I have seen the product of children who lose their mother’s early in life, and will make it my point for my children not to be included in this statistic.
There is a reason for everything, this is a season for me to get to know my body and take the steps necessary to live the life that is destined for me. My prayer and my goals are unchanged. Some may feel this is a result of the changes in my lifestyle, but I don’t think so because everyone has a path to walk. No judgments will fall on these positive ears.
Fear drives us to failure; therefore I declare right now fear cannot take me! My war with myself has begun, and I may lose a few battles but ultimately the war is mine to conquer!
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