I let my mind play tricks on me. Set myself up for the okie doke!!
How could I just fall like this and bump my damn head!! Sometimes, the feel good words fulfill a void that can't be filled by just anyone. Only by someone who understands where you are coming from and why you think the way you do.
When dealing with ignorant people who don't understand the concept of responsibility or concern, emotions that have been hidden make their prescence known. Confirming that insanity can emerge from the strangest of circumstances.
My insanity has been driven by the result of realizing just how stupid my decision was, and how my future steps and reactions to situations must be precise and well thought out. I let no one in the space that I consider to be my holy ground. The place within myself that I have managed to protect from the selfishness and ignorance of the people around me. The place that has that once vibrant woman that only comes out on occassions that are absolutely necessary.
Now I have been given the opportunity to do something that I want to do. No, it is not something anyone may agree with, but the part of me that has to constantly be the bigger parent, wife, friend, loved one is screaming for some kind of release. This release may be worth it in the end.
No one lives without some form of struggle. And as a hopeless romantic who has been torn by the reality of life...it seemingly doesn't matter anymore where the company comes from. I sit here with tears in my eyes considering all that I have seen and heard and it seems to be more nightmares than dream come trues. Those few moments where I felt alive for moments, tainted by the sins of another. Bittersweet moments that were meant to be shared, seem to always be shared by myself. Even with others around I am the only one in that moment in time.
I could let everyone's suggestions on how I should be take me over. Unfortunately, I have a mind of my own that simply can not be swayed because you say it is the right thing to do. If I am expected to be the strong one. The one that always has to sacrifice. The one who sits and walks alone, outside of the footprints that I was once told about, I should be the judge of what is right and wrong for my release.
Trying to decide what to do is not easy. Unfortunately, I don't give a shit ANYMORE!! This is exactly what people want from me. If I have to be a mother to everyone, then it is only fair that I get to decide what I want in my freetime. It is not alcohol, nothing that would make me feel tired the next day and wishing I had not gone out to begin with. And guess what, I found it. Trust me I have made my decision. I want to play with a Tonka truck!!
It seems stupid and even careless. But sometimes you should be carefree. Carelessness can provide the result of carefree. This is why there are so many weed heads.
But this I plan on doing for me, because I deserve it. Right, wrong, or indifferent. For once I am going to be the one you better worry about. Because while I am busy taking care of you and everything else, there will be moments I take for myself. Just stolen moments in time. For me. No one will find me. No one will bother me. These are the moments I will take to my grave. The ones that save my life. The ones that will make a difference in my smile.
I asked for the chance. And the chance has found me. And I will not let it walk on by.
I have earned the chance to have some fun!! And I am going to...sparing no expense.
Signing off~
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