A Wish

My best friend in life and love wrote this poem in 4th grade. He won a $50 bond for this and never cashed it in ((gots to help in find it))!! So I dedicate this post to him, so that when he moves on Shedrick will have a piece of my history!!

I wish that I could find way To read at least an hour a day, for seven days a week, the whole year through and keep inside my head, everything I read. What an educated person I would be if I read as much as I watch TV!

Update

A writer once said, "Life's lessons are designed to test the true tenacity of the reality within. Your weakness during the lesson does not the determine the outcome of who you are, but the strength that motivates you to move on. If you succeed in continuing on to the end of the lesson, you will not only see the best of who you are, but the true person that lies beneath the struggle." My last few months have been impossibly dreadful, but the strength of my conviction, the woman I am, and my hope for a better tomorrow keeps me moving forward. Tonight I cried for only the one millionth time tonight, not because I am failing, but because the sacrifice seems greater than the end result. Although I know this is not the reality of my situation, sometimes you fall. But as Donnie McClurkin so finely stated it in song, "We fall down, but we get back up." First there is the dissolution of marriage that I am contending. Even though there have been signs over the years, the man that I know today, I never expected. No love or concern for his own children. My worth is the maximum of his paycheck or his expected weakness in me. Not knowing that as gullible as I can be, my heart is growing colder than ice on a daily basis. Therefore, his attempts at making a mockery of marriage and continuing to do his norm are really becoming his downfall. His mother, the queen bitch of my existence: Fake, phony, the very reason many people wouldn't step into a sanctuary. I almost have no words for her, except to say "You thought I was weak minded, but have realized the only way you will control them is to keep them locked in your cave, but time will bring out truths you will have to face and your evils will fall into place." Then there is the missing my kids. God I can't wait until I can yell at them daily about cleaning, watch them cry, sleep, eat, poop, lol, well I can wait on that. But they are the best part of me and what motivates who I am. I work this hard for them. School is for them and me, but it means more that they are the reason I will be what I want! Mom and sis are a back bone and great support. That is all on them. Thorn in my side is my heart. The Him in my soul that I am extracting. I should have never fallen, but I did in ignorance. I see the reality of who he is and accept it. However, I don't deserve him, really I don't. If I could just make myself not feel what I feel it would be better. I have gotten to the point I don't care what people say, he says, or I say I know that it is best to keep everything platonic. I see the writing on the wall. The FB wall. I am good in my place or as needed. But I believe Dylan gave me the best medicine. A prescription I am effectively using. I will not be a horse, cow, ox, stallion, one of many of anything. Believe that! DUI. Almost over it! 166 more hours and I will have the fines paid. I have already taken the DUI class, MADD class, SA eval, 50 community service hours. In the words of Tiana (Princess and the Frog) I'm almost there. Homework due Tuesday, must complete today. But for now I am going to bed. I got sleep venting. So I am definitely taking my leave. Oh, before I do, I must acknowledge the writer of the opening lines. Definitely ME! I said it, I believe, that settles it. Signing off~ P.S. All of the previous posts of the day, were posts sitting in my drafts. Some go back as far as 2010. But as this is MY blog I decided, I would post them. Why waste good words being hidden. That is all Siging off (for real this time)~

F U Pay ME

Let me get this straight.

I work.

I take care of home.

I apply for foodstamps, medicaid.

I don't get child support like the nothing does.

I am a real WOMAN.

Handles my own shit most of the time.

You on your own fucking dick right now, cuz you made some bread.

Lest we forget we got a roof to keep on our head.

You act like moving was going to be easy. Like we didn't need shit, like my kids ain't greedy.

Gas. I got to buy too. You already don't do shit for me!!!!!!

Do you get a bitch hair done NO. Do you buy a bitch clothes, shoes, SUMTHIN HELL NO!!

So yes, you broke me off money that I ended up using for your children and home.

I would love you to tell me how the hell I was supposed to do it all. With an imaginary pay!

Oh, maybe I should have a sugar daddy. Someone to pay my way. If that is the case, what the hell are you here for!

I said it once, and I'll say it again. As much as I have been fucked over in the past, it will no longer take anything for me to say FUCK YOU PAY ME!

Look the only reason you ain't on papers is because you have been known not to fuck up.

But I am tired of everytime I do come to ya trifling ass you got some huffing and puffing to do.

Bitch you don't huff and puff bout the money coming out ya shit every fucking week to go to that bitch so why the fuck you huff at me. If my calculations serve me correctly technically I get $50*5 plus alimony at least!!!

You don't get nothing done for me. Real men take care of their wives. Make sure they look nice. Hair, nails, outfit every once in a while. Bitch I have to bow down for money for household shit...

KEEP IT UP, TAKE CARE OF YOU...because just he same I can find someone to take care..BETTER care than you ever have!!!

I am worth more than begging for shit from anyone. And the day is coming where ya ass is going to be unneccessary. Then who going to be huffing!!!

Then you tell me come to you...This is the result of coming to you.

I hate this fucking shit and can't wait to be back on top. It is fastly approaching. I finish my program in October and I am making plans to use it on my resume and find me a something making.

It is what it is.....I'm tired of the bull shit!!

I sit and I wonder what it all means. Am I making steps to get better, or is it all just me avoiding.

I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.

I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.

I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.

To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.

So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!

So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.

Nothing has taken me out like this before.

What is the next step when love has let you down?

There is some argument that listening to encouraging words is not useful, but in reality there is use in listening. You can't find the path to love yourself alone. Christ and those that share love with you help you to endure.

Endurance. Endurance is the ability to continue on despite what others think, do, or say. That is why

Marriage is a word that just does not carry the same meaning or feeling that it used to. It has so much more than the fine lines detailed in the vows. Love, honor, cherish.

When it goes all wrong you put more into other things that you will ever get back.

I have watched as men use the phrases and perceptions and hopes and dreams of women to their advantage. I have agreed to become the tool that could have destroyed happiness, because the once fairytale me has died.

You grow up watching Disney, learn all the nursery rhymes, but the pain of the matter is you are never taught the harsh reality of the truth.

Often times it is good to reflect on the choices and/or paths you have previously taken. It is an easy way to keep yourself grounded in who you are, if in fact you can appreciate the trials from the road travelled

Lost by Life

This is a habit I have always maintained. Being the best for the rest and settling for myself. Sometimes the advice I give needs to be applied in my own life.

Right now I am going through probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Having my freedom stripped and my dignity torn. I have been strong enough to survive the hardest trials marriage has to offer from infadelity to death of a child. However, this situation has placed me back into a state of no power.

I feel powerless despite how hard I am fighting to maintain my composure.
I need to breakdown each area of my life and try and find a solution. Which is something I forsee me dedicating my day to.

First things first...why do I vomit so much?

I really think I am dying to a certain extent, however, I no longer have the funds or the time to go to the doctor. I could walk to the hospital today, but the heat
factor alone may kill me.

I guess the diagnosis will have to wait. At this point death would seemingly be a sweet release from my reality.

Second my love life.

Albeit I should not even have this category to deal with. Currently going through a slow divorce but there is a him in my life. That has taken presedence in my life since day one. Although he means me no good in life and days of consideration have brought me to this end. Hearing it from his mouth has been of no consequence. I love him and that is the final word on that. But the things I do for love I need to take a step back. He does show some signs on love but it is not true, it is maintenance love. Doing those things that will ensure my daily loyalty. Face the fact he loves you and every other woman he tells that. You are the main, meaning you will never be the one. But tell my heart that!

Sad is, I have read it with my own eyes, and still he is rooted in my heart. But the thought that he can not be the friend to me I was to him hurts.

Just a piece of a friend.

Oh well.

Dear Love,

Please find me. Please find me, so I won't die alone. Please find me so my heart can be healed.

I throw in the towel at this very moment. I have nothing left to give anyone especially myself! I need someone, I need some help and have no one to turn too! How is it that someone that has shown love to so many people not even have the glimmer of love in return?

Oh well. So is life. When life ceases death begins. If it were not for my kids I would be gone right now. If I could run away from this life I would, but I have to hold on to life for them. I have to fight for me for them. Not for myself. So all the energy of life that I have remaining will be dispersed to them. For I am no longer a convenient doormat with gum on my face.

I can't be there for you knowing you don't give a shit about me!

I have nothing catchy to say, I have no thought for the day, except Dear Lord Help Me!

My Truthful Love Letter...Undelivered!

Ok. So. Where do I begin? A good place would seemingly be from the beginning.

Wasn't it you who promoted these emotions between the two of us...only because it was the best pick up line you could come up with? Wasn't it you, who asked if our souls had a connection greater than we are acknowledging at this time? Wasn't it you who in a moment of randomness called me as I sat in the drive-thru of a McDonald's waiting on a McFlurry who expressed that loving me was not totally out of the question and maybe there is more to our friendship? Then again on the same instance it was you who said, I am not the man you need right now...with the right now just being a cushion to the fact that you knew you had damaged a part of my heart that would stand to be irrepairable!

So here it is..almost a year of friendship, sexual relationship, 2 separations, 11 kids, weekends together, complete nights of conversation, song and laughter, tears and screams, fears and cheers...we are here at a place that is kind of awkward. It is almost like you have forgotten all of the things that YOU said to me. It is like you have decided to take back certain notions that I was letting go that you brought back.

Our end will only be as great as we make it. If it is friendship that will survive through everything, I have said it before I will take the friendship. Am I looking for love anywhere else...the answer is NO. Am I looking for someone to date because I am tired of feeling confused about us on a regular basis. Yes! Will you ever be replaced by anyone in my heart...Lord knows I have no idea. But what I do know is this: I love you. No questions asked. There is nothing anyone can say that has and will change that. I have tried, I have listened to things you say and tried. It just isn't going to change.

Does that make me a fool? Yes and no. Yes, because it will probably only result in a hurt that my poor heart will have to go through yet again eventually. And no because I told God the next time I love again I want him to be my friend first.

Am I patient enough to see where this may end up, yes because I am not living for you to sweep me off my feet. Been swept a long time ago. What I am waiting for is you to heal from the situation you face now and I would love to do that without my heart being a distraction. Unfortunately you have honed in on the one thing that I try to keep to myself.

It hurts knowing you don't love me like I love you, but I was built Ford tough and have seemingly learned to accept our relationship as it is. Weird and demented as it is. But in the end I would not ask for anything more.

What do I mean? I only want love. I take care of myself and my own, and although I am in a rough patch in my life I will be on top again! You can't hold a good woman down. Your very happiness means the world to me. Just seeing your smile heals more wounds than you know. I already take care of much that a wife/girlfriend or whatever would take care of so there is no difference there.

I love you. I am in love with you. We mesh well. Truth is, had I not gone back to my husband a few years ago and you were still single and our paths crossed I believe we probably would have been in this position then. But life happens everyday.

Love also happens everyday. It was amazing to see all our kids interacting like it was normal that there were so many. Your daughters asking questions about us, that all I could do was chuckle to and making statements like "yall should be together". It was weird and different. I didn't mind telling them no I am just his best friend. Because I hold that position more dear than any other that I could ever fulfill!! Because our friendship is genuine!! But at the end of the day so is my love for you. If I ever thought there was hope for anything more I would take my time with it even still because that is something that I would never want to mess up.

I trust you to be who you are. I love you because of who you are. The rest only time will tell, but I am not in a rush to see it unfold.

So now, if you have any question of how I feel...let it go. I love you, but I am willing to put that to the back to keep our friendship safe any day!

Just....

With everything that I have been through in my life, you would think that I would have thrown in the towel on love and relationships a long time ago. However, in life it seems as that old saying, "Only the strong survive" has been my motto.

At 32 years old, I can honestly say that only 7 men have had the pleasure of diving into my secret place. Each with the most sincerest form of love and adoration that I could give. Each also sharing a pain known to many woman and men, rejection and disappointment. Yet, my heart has never given up, and I have never disrespected myself by letting someone just violate the sanctity of love within me.

There is a lesson to be learned in being more to someone than you are to them.

Speaking to my mother recently, she said, "Unless they sign those papers, they don't truly love you" (paraphrasing). However, it is my conclusion that the sanctity of marriage is no longer seen as a way to prove ones love. There are more adulters now than there are fornicators. Why is that? The truth of the matter is people have lost the will to fight for love and the hope that says the person that I love is going to be with me and faithful to me and live according to the vows we made always.

It may be a hard pill for some to swallow, but time and life is showing me this is the norm.

So now I sit at a crossroads. Either I conform to the current way of being and give myself to random sexual excursions or I continue to set a standard for me.

This is a personal decision that I must make for myself. I have been cheated on, lied to, and it is resulting in me becoming another statistic: Divorcee.

I choose not to lay with every man that comes my way. I choose to believe there is still a glimmer of hope. That next time I meet someone, it will be forever. It may not happen soon. It may definitely happen later. Therefore until that day comes I will live the single life. Except my single life will not include me losing count of who has touched me and explored the love I have inside.

Trust. Easily given, but not easily healed. But I will find a way.

My love is worth the time and effort it takes to be treasured, and I will not walk away from it blind!

Memorable Conversation about Love on FB

A conversation with a friend about love on FB

VB: So how do you know if you've found the one? You think about the vows you take. For better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer, til death.

VB: If you can honestly say yes, then that is that one.(The Game)

Shadreana Sanders: I got better and worse, sickness (I'll call the Dr. unless you got that ninja) and health (we getting older so more open to health issues I guess but this would be nice)..richer (can you control yourself if you got it made) or poorer (will being broke drive us apart or together, or is the only time you love me when I am broke) til death (I will kill him anyways when he violates..lmao) Love that scene from the Game tho

VB: I feel ya girl. You gotta get all that together.

Shadreana Sanders: Single life looks better and better if that's the case. But IF he exists this time he will be my friend first. Know why I smiile, why I cry. Support my good, and can tell me about my bad. He'll appreciate the woman he has found, and will ne...ver take me for granted. He will remember I love flowers and cards, and forget me nots. He will thank me for my loyalty and take me as I am. Be able to commit to all the vows...better and worse ( and we will survive that together) sickness and health (hope so I am getting up there) richer or poorer (I have been poor long enough, this one will enjoy my better days) til death all I can say is the movie the NOTEBOOK...he will love me enough to want to live and die with me. That's some not all.

VB: I completely agree. You put my thoughts in words. You have always been good at that. Even in high school.

Shadreana Sanders: Most importantly he will love me the way that Christ loves the church...because he will have found his wife and his rib...I won't take him any other way!

VB: Amen.

Shadreana Sanders: Great minds think alike and great women deserve great men. I guess that is why I think I am going to be single forever. I have had bad for so long, it feels like that "he" I desire is non existent. I mean ask a man if he has all his 3's which I DO (APT, CAR, JOB, TIME FOR ME) they can never say yes to all that. What are your goals? Do you have dreams beyond what you have now, and what are you doing to pursue them? What is your credit score, does it matter to you? Simple stuff that is important, because if has not learned the importance of independance and self preservation he can not be the one you need.

VB: True words of wisdom. But wait I say on the Lord. Like we have been taught "HE who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing." So let Gods man find you. He is out there going through the same test as you. Once the Lord has taken both of you on your separate journey's, he will join the two paths to one.

And a sidenote from my friend SD: There is more to it than hunching the weiney...My next wife will not get it until it's time...

Which poses a good thought make sure he can wait for you and you can wait for him in the physical sense that way you know he appreciates and you likewise appreciate the realness of you!

The Hope of Love

As I lay in my bed, my mind is running at a steady pace trying to figure out the heart of a woman vs. the mind of a man.

It seems as though fate would have you to live and learn until that time comes when destiny will step in and seal that said fate.

I believe the bible states that "He that findeth a wife findeth a good and perfect thing." Therefore running or chasing after the man of your dreams and in many cases nightmare, is not supposed to happen. We often times let fear control our moves and make the heart perform acts that will give us that moment of pleasure, with the attachment of a lifetime of pain.

My mistakes in love, have seemed to put me in a place of hopelessness at one point, however, time and the opportunity to love again has reopened my mind to the thought that same hope that seemed to pain me is there for a reason.

No good thing is easily made. There are steps and processes we must take to ensure the success of anything in life. Relationships and love are no different.

There is an art in sacrifice. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your happiness for the greater good and find your mark on life. Your place in this world to know who you are so when that door represents itself again, you can walk into it with the knowledge of who you are and make for a successful relationship with that him.

It seems that the older I get the more my philosophy on love seems to change. At present my thoughts on love are this: "There is a measure of hope found in love that speaks to the soul. If that hope can ever be broken, that is your cue to recognizing that loves path is not the one that belongs. As long as that hope still lies and he finds your love in the same manner the bridge between the heart and soul can be met. This creates a lasting love, unbreakable by time, space or man."

Because of this thinking, I will continue to get to know who I am as a woman. And once the time is right, my divorce is finalized, and I have lived a life getting to know me for a while..HE WILL FIND HIS WAY TO ME!

Does this mean I will live a life thinking that he is out there waiting on me. NO. This simply means I can enjoy my time on this earth until the reality of who he is comes. Even if it is not my hearts desire. For now, the desires of my heart will be placed in the same way Mary stated, "I shall hide these things in my heart."

Hope is the root of all faith. Which is why I reference hope when dealing with human emotions. Because I put my faith only in God, who knows the master plan. Wisdom is given to those who can take the time to look at the greater picture. This is why in my youth I made so many mistakes. Now that I am coming of age, wisdom must kick in.

I will continue to be myself, make my mistakes, and when he finds me...not only I will see it, but his heart will know "IT IS HER!"

There are secrets we hold that can not be revealed. The revelation of said secrets can sometimes destroy those we hold dear. I fight with the thoughts and esteem of myself. My secrets are mounted high against the walls of my heart. Secrets that I want to reveal but if I do will alter my current reality. So I sit and ponder on these things in my heart. Advice that Mary from bible times of old taught me. Although we should all be open, everything lawful is not expediant.

I wait. I feel I will know soon enough.

The Ultimate Missed in Time Decisions

When is "goodbye" given a space? How do you know when your goodbye moment has passed? Once that moment has passed, what ill will have you given way to at that time?

Emotional attachments are often nurtured by positive and negative feedback with results only the undergoer can understand. The sacrifice of unleashing ones emotions can often times prove to be an inevitable mistake that will only cause a breakdown in oneself.

When I look at the choices that I have decided on, sometimes I think this can all end in a fairytale. Maybe he can be the one, and then reality begins to sink in and I understand within myself that he is not the one because of circumstance.

Dear God, grant me the serenity to understand that in this life, I believe I am meant to walk alone. Not with whom I would love to call my own, but with the memories of how that someone made my life feel complete. If only for a space in time, patches of moments combined.

After so many years of unsure and unmatched love, it is refreshing to feel the love of another. But the expense of seeing this person suffer from your love, only makes you feel so selfish you can no longer stand it. Selfish and not selfless.

If I were selfless I would let go of all the love and emotion I feel for him and say look go and be happy. Unfortunately, my heart is selfish and does not want to loose this one moment of happiness and love despite his pain. If I give myself to him, and not complain about the situation or the possible outcome of the situation I may see myself sitting right in this moment in time and not waivering.

Will this hinder me from finding the man that is meant to be my destiny, but what if I let go of my personal enjoyment and fulfillment for the fairytale of a love that will never come. But in my life the hopes of the fairytale come true never seems to be a realistic goal. Always hoping and wishing for a love that is not going to ever come never really amounts to anything more than just wasted years and dreams that could be used on more relevent details of my existence.

So I am here.

Here at the cusp of a new day, with a decision weighing on my mind harder than any decision that I have ever had to make. The decision to end 11 years of marriage and pain that has not amounted to much more than years of hopeless dreams was not even thought upon like this. Because fear dictates that I am unsure that I will be given this opportunity again.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! At this time, my heart is no longer concerned about the details of time, if he doesn't make a move then I won't. I feel the time for me to have let go was tonight, but because I don't want to lose the closest thing to best I have had, I hold on. Typical path for this hopeless romantic. So for now, I will enjoy and say "se la vi".

My hope and prayer is that he loves me for a long time. At least long enough for my soul to heal. And long enough for the time when we are to part ways to reapproach itself with ease and not the pain I sometimes think we are destined for.

To love is the purest form of compassion and I am in love with him. So until the day that love deminishes and turns into the ugly pain I am destined for I will love hard, love long, and love him with all my heart.

Signing off~

My True Feelings About U

I wake up with the desire to talk to you. I dream with the hopes of one day waking up next to your side. I lay in bed with the memories of your body laying next to mine. All the time remembering that I will never have you to myself, in the way that that my heart desires.

You speak of a life I could live. Although loyalty and love has you attempting, to make what you have work right and live the life you have been dreaming.

I could let you go and free myself from these thoughts that plague me, but the thought of not talking to you or having you in my day makes me feel as though my days will be neverending.

I fear that if I tell you I want you to myself, the pressure of what that requires will make you quiver and leave. That is definitely not what I desire. However my burning desire to love you has been set aside for the desire to see you flourish, no matter what as I support you through your trials.

In another time and space you would have seemed to be my soul mate, the one I could always adore. I consider the timing of years past and think had we met I would have been the one.

But instead I sit in silence and nurture the better part of us, our friendship is more important than any relationship we could ruin to part us. And yet because my destiny is not dictated by the present, I choose to let my actions and choices in this hour guide me to live freely in my tomorrow, which may someday include that which goes unspoken.

I love you and will enjoy this ride til we part! Dedicated to my U!! Signing off~