Lost by Life

This is a habit I have always maintained. Being the best for the rest and settling for myself. Sometimes the advice I give needs to be applied in my own life.

Right now I am going through probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Having my freedom stripped and my dignity torn. I have been strong enough to survive the hardest trials marriage has to offer from infadelity to death of a child. However, this situation has placed me back into a state of no power.

I feel powerless despite how hard I am fighting to maintain my composure.
I need to breakdown each area of my life and try and find a solution. Which is something I forsee me dedicating my day to.

First things first...why do I vomit so much?

I really think I am dying to a certain extent, however, I no longer have the funds or the time to go to the doctor. I could walk to the hospital today, but the heat
factor alone may kill me.

I guess the diagnosis will have to wait. At this point death would seemingly be a sweet release from my reality.

Second my love life.

Albeit I should not even have this category to deal with. Currently going through a slow divorce but there is a him in my life. That has taken presedence in my life since day one. Although he means me no good in life and days of consideration have brought me to this end. Hearing it from his mouth has been of no consequence. I love him and that is the final word on that. But the things I do for love I need to take a step back. He does show some signs on love but it is not true, it is maintenance love. Doing those things that will ensure my daily loyalty. Face the fact he loves you and every other woman he tells that. You are the main, meaning you will never be the one. But tell my heart that!

Sad is, I have read it with my own eyes, and still he is rooted in my heart. But the thought that he can not be the friend to me I was to him hurts.

Just a piece of a friend.

Oh well.

Dear Love,

Please find me. Please find me, so I won't die alone. Please find me so my heart can be healed.

I throw in the towel at this very moment. I have nothing left to give anyone especially myself! I need someone, I need some help and have no one to turn too! How is it that someone that has shown love to so many people not even have the glimmer of love in return?

Oh well. So is life. When life ceases death begins. If it were not for my kids I would be gone right now. If I could run away from this life I would, but I have to hold on to life for them. I have to fight for me for them. Not for myself. So all the energy of life that I have remaining will be dispersed to them. For I am no longer a convenient doormat with gum on my face.

I can't be there for you knowing you don't give a shit about me!

I have nothing catchy to say, I have no thought for the day, except Dear Lord Help Me!