If U Don't Care...Should I?

I let my mind play tricks on me. Set myself up for the okie doke!!

How could I just fall like this and bump my damn head!! Sometimes, the feel good words fulfill a void that can't be filled by just anyone. Only by someone who understands where you are coming from and why you think the way you do.

When dealing with ignorant people who don't understand the concept of responsibility or concern, emotions that have been hidden make their prescence known. Confirming that insanity can emerge from the strangest of circumstances.

My insanity has been driven by the result of realizing just how stupid my decision was, and how my future steps and reactions to situations must be precise and well thought out. I let no one in the space that I consider to be my holy ground. The place within myself that I have managed to protect from the selfishness and ignorance of the people around me. The place that has that once vibrant woman that only comes out on occassions that are absolutely necessary.

Now I have been given the opportunity to do something that I want to do. No, it is not something anyone may agree with, but the part of me that has to constantly be the bigger parent, wife, friend, loved one is screaming for some kind of release. This release may be worth it in the end.

No one lives without some form of struggle. And as a hopeless romantic who has been torn by the reality of life...it seemingly doesn't matter anymore where the company comes from. I sit here with tears in my eyes considering all that I have seen and heard and it seems to be more nightmares than dream come trues. Those few moments where I felt alive for moments, tainted by the sins of another. Bittersweet moments that were meant to be shared, seem to always be shared by myself. Even with others around I am the only one in that moment in time.

I could let everyone's suggestions on how I should be take me over. Unfortunately, I have a mind of my own that simply can not be swayed because you say it is the right thing to do. If I am expected to be the strong one. The one that always has to sacrifice. The one who sits and walks alone, outside of the footprints that I was once told about, I should be the judge of what is right and wrong for my release.

Trying to decide what to do is not easy. Unfortunately, I don't give a shit ANYMORE!! This is exactly what people want from me. If I have to be a mother to everyone, then it is only fair that I get to decide what I want in my freetime. It is not alcohol, nothing that would make me feel tired the next day and wishing I had not gone out to begin with. And guess what, I found it. Trust me I have made my decision. I want to play with a Tonka truck!!

It seems stupid and even careless. But sometimes you should be carefree. Carelessness can provide the result of carefree. This is why there are so many weed heads.

But this I plan on doing for me, because I deserve it. Right, wrong, or indifferent. For once I am going to be the one you better worry about. Because while I am busy taking care of you and everything else, there will be moments I take for myself. Just stolen moments in time. For me. No one will find me. No one will bother me. These are the moments I will take to my grave. The ones that save my life. The ones that will make a difference in my smile.

I asked for the chance. And the chance has found me. And I will not let it walk on by.

I have earned the chance to have some fun!! And I am going to...sparing no expense.

Signing off~

If and when I decide to write the book. I think I got the title...lmao

From Nieve to 'I am Woman, Get the Hell Out of My Way!'

Define Nieve: . Lacking worldly experience and understanding or me in my younger years. I was questioned about a choice I made in my youth and really came up with lame answers. After much thought throughout the night I still don't know, but I realize that I am not as nieve, because there is no part of me that desires that from my past. Sometimes I consider the option, but I just can't get across the reality.

My personal desires have grown with me.

When I was younger, my self worth was a huge issue that I could not conquer. So I settled. Not for the best, but for what made me feel good at that time. Although my choice ended with grave consequence, it was a decision I would not change because it made me. However, if it were the EGO I have become today, I would not have given it a second thought.

I think this is something that is also affecting my marriage. Things I would have generally settled for in the past is beyond me. Now, not only am I strongwilled, I have grown a bit defiant and increased my strength in me.

I am noticing how I approach situations is also much different. There were things that would hurt me, but the statement 'that which does not kill you, makes you stronger' has become the defining factor of who I am. Instead of letting those things bother me, I have decided to do me.

Unfortunately this may not be something others in my life consider to be wise. But in the grand scheme of things, I have lived my life for so many other people for so long. I am going to enjoy ever opportunity provided to make me happy.

Given I would never do anything to endanger myself or my family, just if it is something I may want or DESIRE and it is not of the norm....I just might bite!

Time for a new adventure...New adventure here I come. Why? Because nieve is gone and I am WOMAN, and I suggest you get the hell out of my way!!!

A life without adventure, is no life at all! Who said that ME~

Signing Off~

Just this once

Okay so I am sitting here thinking. I swear sometimes that is something I should just not do!

I had a great time with my cousins and their friends last night. And now part of me regrets it because it hurt another cousin.

What she said was true though. It's not like they regularly associate with me. Except for FB of course.

In my thoughts, it hit me, no one regularly associates with me. I have always been an odd ball I guess. The person last thought about in any situation. I would be lying to say that it did not make me feel good to be thought about for a change. Someone considered me for something other than a favor, or something inconsequential.

I know I tend to live my life in a little box that will include my immediate family, however, it can get a little lonely. My phone never really rings, so the fact that it is disconnected does not matter to me. I pay that much for a phone and no one even considers me important enough to call or text. Yes I could submit a text or two, but I am not going to lie I know they won't respond. And if they responded what would they say. Would they say, "Hey come hang with me" or 'Do me a favor.'

I thank God for the opportunity that I received last night. For a change I felt apart of more than my norm. Because people are afraid to step out of their comfort zones, they miss out on so much. I'm not too afraid, I just don't get many chances.

I got the chance to go to a real comedy show to see a real comedian. No complaints. Just glad for the experience. Not regretting the choices I have made in life, but wondering if things would be much easier without. And I know it would, but that would never make it worth it!

Signing off~