Ironically, when I blog my neurotic episodes are minimal. When I don't I tend to have a set back!
I need to write up a smart goal to deal with it. I have been given a tool and I need to use it.
Well for now, I guess I will just have to say what I am feeling.
My emotional state sometimes makes me feel as though I am bipolar. I can be happy at one moment and the next my mood is on the total opposite of the sanity spectrum.
I highly regard my ability to be consistent. My consistent trend for now is simply neurotic. I have no other word to define myself. So what steps can I take to provide myself with emotional stability.
I have began a process of change and do not drink as much I used to, in an effort to not allow alcohol to be my crutch. I am doing quite well outside of the occassional social drink. I opened my last 4loko recently and it is so strong it will probably take about 2-3 weeks to finish it.
My goal on smoking is relatively stable. I also understand part of my episodes are due to my decrease in smoking. It is not very easy to come up with a new productive habit, but I believe I am working on several new ones.
Being that food has not been a crutch for me in years and with the issues I have with eating, that is not an option.
Cooking is still enjoyable, however, due to recent health issues I have had to relinquish that to my children and husband. This is only temporary, and I am noticing considerable improvement in my skin and stomach so I hope to be back into that really soon.
Kareoke is an old love that is being rejuvenated at this time. I made myself a vow, that I will make it a point to go every week. Simply because singing is a release that I absolutely enjoy. I am also noticing my vocl improvement. I sing 1 song weekly that at one point I was great at. Jennifer Hudson's version of "And I am Telling You."
I also need to work on my sleep patterns. Not sleeping is an issue. I have also found Starbucks to be a caffiene haven!
Well now that I have randomly typed for a few moments, I am getting sleepy. So at this time I am
Signing Off~
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Opportunity to Degrade
Trying to find a balance in who you are can sometimes be difficult. Maintaining or increasing your self worth is a struggle that is ongoing and relentless. Many people find their fortunes in the misfortunes of others. While there are also those who would like to see the success be spread throughout and honors be given as such. In my time on this earth I find that most of my life experiences have been worth nothing to most and everything to me.
Does that make my experiences any more demeaning than others? No. Because at the end of the day, the life that you live will be forgotten. Yes people will remember events that you shared with them, but those most intimate successes will not stay here, they go with you. In turn providing another opportunity for someone else to find success.
It is selfish for me to assume that your life conquers are not as great as my own. In many ways, people use your success to demean you and make you feel as though you have not accomplished any thing at all.
At this point in my life I find myself at a crossroad, with a cluster of opportunities to unfold. Albeit some of these opportunities are great there are others that may seem inconsequential to the next person. Yet in still, it is my decision to indulge or nurture these possibilities.
Well on a side note:
I found the word "opportunity" to be most offensive this morning. At work the big boss uses the word "opportunity" in a positive manner. In an effort to obtain the same result others now use this word, in every sentence they say. However, the difference is, when others use the words, their tone implies a sense of disrespect and degredation. Instead of saying, look you are not doing your best and this is where you are not doing so well. It has been replaced with "there is an opportunity for growth." Except whereas I have heard this statement from my big boss put in the most positive of manner, which provides a sense of increase in responsibility and importance of position, when it is simple correction. Others have used the very same stance and made people to feel inferior to them. Therefore, when I heard the word this morning used at a table of my peers, it dawned on me that when people hear this from my peer it will have the same effect as everyone else. i.e. 'I know that you are submitting a complaint about me because the only time I hear the word opportunity is when there is a negative issue being discussed.'
The time when the word opportunity was used in a positive context has simply been dismissed and redirected. What can be done about it?
As I sat at the table and began to voice my concern, I felt the mood shift. My neurotic side had just popped it's ugly little head again. But when a word that has given hope to people in the past is now being used as a term of degradation it seems to produce a feeling of hopelessness. What most fail to realize is that due to the lack of communication between superiors and otherwise, there are some people that hear that term several times a day by different people. Therefore, when I hear the word opportunity being used it is no longer a positive result obtained it is a negative one. Learning how to talk to people is crucial in business and everyday life. And acknowledging people's mistakes without terminating the confidence once felt in a word is possible as well. There has to be another approach.
It would seem that I have heard "opportunity" and "perception" so much that it is driving me mad. Therefore at this time I share 1 of my 6 mad thoughts of the morning!
Signing off~
Does that make my experiences any more demeaning than others? No. Because at the end of the day, the life that you live will be forgotten. Yes people will remember events that you shared with them, but those most intimate successes will not stay here, they go with you. In turn providing another opportunity for someone else to find success.
It is selfish for me to assume that your life conquers are not as great as my own. In many ways, people use your success to demean you and make you feel as though you have not accomplished any thing at all.
At this point in my life I find myself at a crossroad, with a cluster of opportunities to unfold. Albeit some of these opportunities are great there are others that may seem inconsequential to the next person. Yet in still, it is my decision to indulge or nurture these possibilities.
Well on a side note:
I found the word "opportunity" to be most offensive this morning. At work the big boss uses the word "opportunity" in a positive manner. In an effort to obtain the same result others now use this word, in every sentence they say. However, the difference is, when others use the words, their tone implies a sense of disrespect and degredation. Instead of saying, look you are not doing your best and this is where you are not doing so well. It has been replaced with "there is an opportunity for growth." Except whereas I have heard this statement from my big boss put in the most positive of manner, which provides a sense of increase in responsibility and importance of position, when it is simple correction. Others have used the very same stance and made people to feel inferior to them. Therefore, when I heard the word this morning used at a table of my peers, it dawned on me that when people hear this from my peer it will have the same effect as everyone else. i.e. 'I know that you are submitting a complaint about me because the only time I hear the word opportunity is when there is a negative issue being discussed.'
The time when the word opportunity was used in a positive context has simply been dismissed and redirected. What can be done about it?
As I sat at the table and began to voice my concern, I felt the mood shift. My neurotic side had just popped it's ugly little head again. But when a word that has given hope to people in the past is now being used as a term of degradation it seems to produce a feeling of hopelessness. What most fail to realize is that due to the lack of communication between superiors and otherwise, there are some people that hear that term several times a day by different people. Therefore, when I hear the word opportunity being used it is no longer a positive result obtained it is a negative one. Learning how to talk to people is crucial in business and everyday life. And acknowledging people's mistakes without terminating the confidence once felt in a word is possible as well. There has to be another approach.
It would seem that I have heard "opportunity" and "perception" so much that it is driving me mad. Therefore at this time I share 1 of my 6 mad thoughts of the morning!
Signing off~
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Why do we sabotage our own blessings?
A woman gets pregnant..Whether she is a teen or of age, she has a decision to make. Considering her faults she does what she believes to be proper for the circumstance. God says a child is your greatest blessings and countries praise women who have children. However something inside her heart tells her to murder a piece of her. She wonders for years how long it will take, to mend the broken heart for one simple mistake. It never really heals, it's just covered with time. The minute she reconsiders, she realizes she can't roll back time.
These mistakes may not happen to often in life. Actually their daily, to ourselves we seem to lie.
The breath that we breath we clutter with smoke. The bodies we have we poison for glutany. Our eyes we use daily to take in all life, we abuse by reading with no glitter of light. Our hands and our feet, we feel use to feel the earth beneath. We place nails and fake toes on and paint just to change me. The hair that he gave us, our 'Glory' some say, we cover with wigs, did I comb my hair today.
So next time you judge someone for one mistake, remmember we mess ours up daily...Did you weigh yourself today?
Just felt like putting something together....In the mood to write...I also want to cook! Signing off~
A woman gets pregnant..Whether she is a teen or of age, she has a decision to make. Considering her faults she does what she believes to be proper for the circumstance. God says a child is your greatest blessings and countries praise women who have children. However something inside her heart tells her to murder a piece of her. She wonders for years how long it will take, to mend the broken heart for one simple mistake. It never really heals, it's just covered with time. The minute she reconsiders, she realizes she can't roll back time.
These mistakes may not happen to often in life. Actually their daily, to ourselves we seem to lie.
The breath that we breath we clutter with smoke. The bodies we have we poison for glutany. Our eyes we use daily to take in all life, we abuse by reading with no glitter of light. Our hands and our feet, we feel use to feel the earth beneath. We place nails and fake toes on and paint just to change me. The hair that he gave us, our 'Glory' some say, we cover with wigs, did I comb my hair today.
So next time you judge someone for one mistake, remmember we mess ours up daily...Did you weigh yourself today?
Just felt like putting something together....In the mood to write...I also want to cook! Signing off~
Family Qualifications
Well. I have not done anything too productive in the last week or two. HATE IT!
Well I did enjoy some sleep so I can not say that it has been too unproductive. Also, I got some work stuff done that I had not been able to complete and painted a breakroom, well most of it, at work. That is not so unproductive.
Well. What should I talk about tonight? Should I be deep and speak on life experiences and relationships.
Nevermind that.
Instead my concern is a new one. Today I witnessed something that has really bothered me. It is not of any importance that I know the person and was not very close to them, but this person was very helpful and supportive of me at work.
I guess, when you make a career, you only pay attention to your personal status at work. Not the fact that you have made bonds and relationships with the person you work with. You don't notice that if something were to happen, it would make a difference in your day.
Today I realized that I am genuinely concered about my co-workers. When they do something that is unbelievable it stays in your mind.
Considering this, what happens when someone you love does this? If I am devasted about someone that I see for less than 40 hours a week and it substantially affects my life.. The impact of the decisions of your loved ones can almost take your life. This is why we go through depressions and psychological defects.
Crazy thoughts, crying, diverse wild experiences.
This questions, how much the mind can stand? People doubt there is a God, but when the bible says, "but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able;"KJV...There is no question of the divinty in life.
Although no one is perfect, God will only do what you allow Him to do. You can make the trial your end, or you can make the trial your testimony!
~Blessed depsite My Flaws~
Signing off~
Well I did enjoy some sleep so I can not say that it has been too unproductive. Also, I got some work stuff done that I had not been able to complete and painted a breakroom, well most of it, at work. That is not so unproductive.
Well. What should I talk about tonight? Should I be deep and speak on life experiences and relationships.
Nevermind that.
Instead my concern is a new one. Today I witnessed something that has really bothered me. It is not of any importance that I know the person and was not very close to them, but this person was very helpful and supportive of me at work.
I guess, when you make a career, you only pay attention to your personal status at work. Not the fact that you have made bonds and relationships with the person you work with. You don't notice that if something were to happen, it would make a difference in your day.
Today I realized that I am genuinely concered about my co-workers. When they do something that is unbelievable it stays in your mind.
Considering this, what happens when someone you love does this? If I am devasted about someone that I see for less than 40 hours a week and it substantially affects my life.. The impact of the decisions of your loved ones can almost take your life. This is why we go through depressions and psychological defects.
Crazy thoughts, crying, diverse wild experiences.
This questions, how much the mind can stand? People doubt there is a God, but when the bible says, "but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able;"KJV...There is no question of the divinty in life.
Although no one is perfect, God will only do what you allow Him to do. You can make the trial your end, or you can make the trial your testimony!
~Blessed depsite My Flaws~
Signing off~
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I FB this last night and figured it belonged here!
Conquer the world, don't let it conquer you! Who said that....I DID~
Friday, July 2, 2010
When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no right or wrong answers. Marriage. Divorce. Love. Hate. The only answers we have come from the strength within.
At the time of your greatest heartache, the instinct to survive carries you. Whether you have a strong instinct or weak one, it carries you through. Often times, I sit and think about all that I have gone through in my own marriage and I don't always understand why I had to walk the path I was given. Then someone young or old comes around and has been torn.
What people fail to realize is that sometimes the people in your inner circle can not give you words of encouragement or wisdom that will not result in more pain. Not for the lack of life experience or ideals that seem inconsequential, but because as with any intimate relationship (friendship or family) when they see one of their's wounded the natural reaction is to strike. As a mother with her young in the wild, when threatened they strike to kill first. In life this is the same.
My incite on relationships has changed dramatically over the years. There was a time that infadelity meant the end of an era. Time has taught me that everyone's path is different and sometimes it takes the opposite sex or your partner longer to find the successful path. Whether it is due to their lack of self fulfillment, esteem, growth, or worth; when someone is not sure of who they are they can not be of any use to others.
When their flaws and misdirection hits an innocent victim of love, it can make or break who that victim becomes.
I was that victim. As was my husband. Many of my friends and family have fallen victim to the misdirection of the unfulfilled partner.
It has been to my pleasure that I have at least been able to help someone in my situation. Whether it has been by a kind word or jesture, my pain has not gone in vain.
For this reason I don't consider the trials my end, only my beginning. I was made and created to love, unconditionally with out pause. But only after learning to love myself.
If these words never reach another know this. Every step you make in life has been for a purpose. Your purpose may not be known to you and may not be fulfilled in ways you expect, but your purpose will always be greatness! It is only what you do with the tools and experiences you have that will make the difference.
This toast is to love and the trials within. Signing off~ Love's Former Broken Victim Now Grown!
At the time of your greatest heartache, the instinct to survive carries you. Whether you have a strong instinct or weak one, it carries you through. Often times, I sit and think about all that I have gone through in my own marriage and I don't always understand why I had to walk the path I was given. Then someone young or old comes around and has been torn.
What people fail to realize is that sometimes the people in your inner circle can not give you words of encouragement or wisdom that will not result in more pain. Not for the lack of life experience or ideals that seem inconsequential, but because as with any intimate relationship (friendship or family) when they see one of their's wounded the natural reaction is to strike. As a mother with her young in the wild, when threatened they strike to kill first. In life this is the same.
My incite on relationships has changed dramatically over the years. There was a time that infadelity meant the end of an era. Time has taught me that everyone's path is different and sometimes it takes the opposite sex or your partner longer to find the successful path. Whether it is due to their lack of self fulfillment, esteem, growth, or worth; when someone is not sure of who they are they can not be of any use to others.
When their flaws and misdirection hits an innocent victim of love, it can make or break who that victim becomes.
I was that victim. As was my husband. Many of my friends and family have fallen victim to the misdirection of the unfulfilled partner.
It has been to my pleasure that I have at least been able to help someone in my situation. Whether it has been by a kind word or jesture, my pain has not gone in vain.
For this reason I don't consider the trials my end, only my beginning. I was made and created to love, unconditionally with out pause. But only after learning to love myself.
If these words never reach another know this. Every step you make in life has been for a purpose. Your purpose may not be known to you and may not be fulfilled in ways you expect, but your purpose will always be greatness! It is only what you do with the tools and experiences you have that will make the difference.
This toast is to love and the trials within. Signing off~ Love's Former Broken Victim Now Grown!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Saving Me
I sit and I wonder what it all means. Am I making steps to get better, or is it all just me avoiding.
I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.
I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.
I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.
To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.
So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!
So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.
Nothing has taken me out like this before. But before I let it kill me I'll definately CONQUER...Signing off~
I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.
I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.
I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.
To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.
So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!
So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.
Nothing has taken me out like this before. But before I let it kill me I'll definately CONQUER...Signing off~
In the words of....
Well my day is starting on a good foot. I decided to take the phrase of ye old DONKEY from Shrek literally. "In the morning, I'm making waffles." And waffles I made and topped them with whip cream and strawberry syrup and served them with eggs and sausage links!!
Really good. I am really putting all my bad thoughts into the food and producing greatness.
I was glad to have my kids home last night as well. I got pissed on by Sara last night, but it was worth the drowning. Until my hubby got home and wanted to make whoopy but did not want to deal with his daughter's golden rain puddle. LMAO..
But SN: My challenge is yet and still working. He really wanted to!
Anyways. I have a room and bed full this morning. Husband, kids, me and this pc. One must go and it won't be my family. So signing off until later~
Really good. I am really putting all my bad thoughts into the food and producing greatness.
I was glad to have my kids home last night as well. I got pissed on by Sara last night, but it was worth the drowning. Until my hubby got home and wanted to make whoopy but did not want to deal with his daughter's golden rain puddle. LMAO..
But SN: My challenge is yet and still working. He really wanted to!
Anyways. I have a room and bed full this morning. Husband, kids, me and this pc. One must go and it won't be my family. So signing off until later~
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