A Wish

My best friend in life and love wrote this poem in 4th grade. He won a $50 bond for this and never cashed it in ((gots to help in find it))!! So I dedicate this post to him, so that when he moves on Shedrick will have a piece of my history!!

I wish that I could find way To read at least an hour a day, for seven days a week, the whole year through and keep inside my head, everything I read. What an educated person I would be if I read as much as I watch TV!

Update

A writer once said, "Life's lessons are designed to test the true tenacity of the reality within. Your weakness during the lesson does not the determine the outcome of who you are, but the strength that motivates you to move on. If you succeed in continuing on to the end of the lesson, you will not only see the best of who you are, but the true person that lies beneath the struggle." My last few months have been impossibly dreadful, but the strength of my conviction, the woman I am, and my hope for a better tomorrow keeps me moving forward. Tonight I cried for only the one millionth time tonight, not because I am failing, but because the sacrifice seems greater than the end result. Although I know this is not the reality of my situation, sometimes you fall. But as Donnie McClurkin so finely stated it in song, "We fall down, but we get back up." First there is the dissolution of marriage that I am contending. Even though there have been signs over the years, the man that I know today, I never expected. No love or concern for his own children. My worth is the maximum of his paycheck or his expected weakness in me. Not knowing that as gullible as I can be, my heart is growing colder than ice on a daily basis. Therefore, his attempts at making a mockery of marriage and continuing to do his norm are really becoming his downfall. His mother, the queen bitch of my existence: Fake, phony, the very reason many people wouldn't step into a sanctuary. I almost have no words for her, except to say "You thought I was weak minded, but have realized the only way you will control them is to keep them locked in your cave, but time will bring out truths you will have to face and your evils will fall into place." Then there is the missing my kids. God I can't wait until I can yell at them daily about cleaning, watch them cry, sleep, eat, poop, lol, well I can wait on that. But they are the best part of me and what motivates who I am. I work this hard for them. School is for them and me, but it means more that they are the reason I will be what I want! Mom and sis are a back bone and great support. That is all on them. Thorn in my side is my heart. The Him in my soul that I am extracting. I should have never fallen, but I did in ignorance. I see the reality of who he is and accept it. However, I don't deserve him, really I don't. If I could just make myself not feel what I feel it would be better. I have gotten to the point I don't care what people say, he says, or I say I know that it is best to keep everything platonic. I see the writing on the wall. The FB wall. I am good in my place or as needed. But I believe Dylan gave me the best medicine. A prescription I am effectively using. I will not be a horse, cow, ox, stallion, one of many of anything. Believe that! DUI. Almost over it! 166 more hours and I will have the fines paid. I have already taken the DUI class, MADD class, SA eval, 50 community service hours. In the words of Tiana (Princess and the Frog) I'm almost there. Homework due Tuesday, must complete today. But for now I am going to bed. I got sleep venting. So I am definitely taking my leave. Oh, before I do, I must acknowledge the writer of the opening lines. Definitely ME! I said it, I believe, that settles it. Signing off~ P.S. All of the previous posts of the day, were posts sitting in my drafts. Some go back as far as 2010. But as this is MY blog I decided, I would post them. Why waste good words being hidden. That is all Siging off (for real this time)~

F U Pay ME

Let me get this straight.

I work.

I take care of home.

I apply for foodstamps, medicaid.

I don't get child support like the nothing does.

I am a real WOMAN.

Handles my own shit most of the time.

You on your own fucking dick right now, cuz you made some bread.

Lest we forget we got a roof to keep on our head.

You act like moving was going to be easy. Like we didn't need shit, like my kids ain't greedy.

Gas. I got to buy too. You already don't do shit for me!!!!!!

Do you get a bitch hair done NO. Do you buy a bitch clothes, shoes, SUMTHIN HELL NO!!

So yes, you broke me off money that I ended up using for your children and home.

I would love you to tell me how the hell I was supposed to do it all. With an imaginary pay!

Oh, maybe I should have a sugar daddy. Someone to pay my way. If that is the case, what the hell are you here for!

I said it once, and I'll say it again. As much as I have been fucked over in the past, it will no longer take anything for me to say FUCK YOU PAY ME!

Look the only reason you ain't on papers is because you have been known not to fuck up.

But I am tired of everytime I do come to ya trifling ass you got some huffing and puffing to do.

Bitch you don't huff and puff bout the money coming out ya shit every fucking week to go to that bitch so why the fuck you huff at me. If my calculations serve me correctly technically I get $50*5 plus alimony at least!!!

You don't get nothing done for me. Real men take care of their wives. Make sure they look nice. Hair, nails, outfit every once in a while. Bitch I have to bow down for money for household shit...

KEEP IT UP, TAKE CARE OF YOU...because just he same I can find someone to take care..BETTER care than you ever have!!!

I am worth more than begging for shit from anyone. And the day is coming where ya ass is going to be unneccessary. Then who going to be huffing!!!

Then you tell me come to you...This is the result of coming to you.

I hate this fucking shit and can't wait to be back on top. It is fastly approaching. I finish my program in October and I am making plans to use it on my resume and find me a something making.

It is what it is.....I'm tired of the bull shit!!

I sit and I wonder what it all means. Am I making steps to get better, or is it all just me avoiding.

I wake up, then I sleep. I work, then I sleep. I found a retreat that is consuming my thoughts. In an attempt to forget all my issues laying around. The disbelief that I can become more than me, is causing different thoughts and really disappointing me.

I have done so many things to make it look great to the others. The ones who sit in judgement because you didn't become like your mother. I may not be as educated, have money, or religion. However I have acquired a few other things that God has delivered. My kids and my husband are a large part of my life. But I need something else, some fulfillment of a dream that has consumed me so many times.

I'm not asking for a fame or fortune, but just a simple opportunity to feel my best. I miss going out just to let go. Get rid of the stress that follows me where ever I go! The bills, the job, the need to be the best, the tears from the feeling my body is at war against me.

To find a secret me that hides and does not come around. She peeps her head out only on occasions to make me feel like my feet left the ground.

So I sit in the tears of the rut I created. (Whether intentional or total derailment!) But a friend just mentioned in so few words, "love yourself" and I heard those words. It took years to find the woman I've grown to be and a little depression has almost wiped it all out of me!

So now a goal I must set, create a new destination. I've got to love me and stop crying.

Nothing has taken me out like this before.

What is the next step when love has let you down?

There is some argument that listening to encouraging words is not useful, but in reality there is use in listening. You can't find the path to love yourself alone. Christ and those that share love with you help you to endure.

Endurance. Endurance is the ability to continue on despite what others think, do, or say. That is why

Marriage is a word that just does not carry the same meaning or feeling that it used to. It has so much more than the fine lines detailed in the vows. Love, honor, cherish.

When it goes all wrong you put more into other things that you will ever get back.

I have watched as men use the phrases and perceptions and hopes and dreams of women to their advantage. I have agreed to become the tool that could have destroyed happiness, because the once fairytale me has died.

You grow up watching Disney, learn all the nursery rhymes, but the pain of the matter is you are never taught the harsh reality of the truth.

Often times it is good to reflect on the choices and/or paths you have previously taken. It is an easy way to keep yourself grounded in who you are, if in fact you can appreciate the trials from the road travelled

Lost by Life

This is a habit I have always maintained. Being the best for the rest and settling for myself. Sometimes the advice I give needs to be applied in my own life.

Right now I am going through probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with. Having my freedom stripped and my dignity torn. I have been strong enough to survive the hardest trials marriage has to offer from infadelity to death of a child. However, this situation has placed me back into a state of no power.

I feel powerless despite how hard I am fighting to maintain my composure.
I need to breakdown each area of my life and try and find a solution. Which is something I forsee me dedicating my day to.

First things first...why do I vomit so much?

I really think I am dying to a certain extent, however, I no longer have the funds or the time to go to the doctor. I could walk to the hospital today, but the heat
factor alone may kill me.

I guess the diagnosis will have to wait. At this point death would seemingly be a sweet release from my reality.

Second my love life.

Albeit I should not even have this category to deal with. Currently going through a slow divorce but there is a him in my life. That has taken presedence in my life since day one. Although he means me no good in life and days of consideration have brought me to this end. Hearing it from his mouth has been of no consequence. I love him and that is the final word on that. But the things I do for love I need to take a step back. He does show some signs on love but it is not true, it is maintenance love. Doing those things that will ensure my daily loyalty. Face the fact he loves you and every other woman he tells that. You are the main, meaning you will never be the one. But tell my heart that!

Sad is, I have read it with my own eyes, and still he is rooted in my heart. But the thought that he can not be the friend to me I was to him hurts.

Just a piece of a friend.

Oh well.

Dear Love,

Please find me. Please find me, so I won't die alone. Please find me so my heart can be healed.

I throw in the towel at this very moment. I have nothing left to give anyone especially myself! I need someone, I need some help and have no one to turn too! How is it that someone that has shown love to so many people not even have the glimmer of love in return?

Oh well. So is life. When life ceases death begins. If it were not for my kids I would be gone right now. If I could run away from this life I would, but I have to hold on to life for them. I have to fight for me for them. Not for myself. So all the energy of life that I have remaining will be dispersed to them. For I am no longer a convenient doormat with gum on my face.

I can't be there for you knowing you don't give a shit about me!

I have nothing catchy to say, I have no thought for the day, except Dear Lord Help Me!