There are secrets we hold that can not be revealed. The revelation of said secrets can sometimes destroy those we hold dear. I fight with the thoughts and esteem of myself. My secrets are mounted high against the walls of my heart. Secrets that I want to reveal but if I do will alter my current reality. So I sit and ponder on these things in my heart. Advice that Mary from bible times of old taught me. Although we should all be open, everything lawful is not expediant.

I wait. I feel I will know soon enough.

The Ultimate Missed in Time Decisions

When is "goodbye" given a space? How do you know when your goodbye moment has passed? Once that moment has passed, what ill will have you given way to at that time?

Emotional attachments are often nurtured by positive and negative feedback with results only the undergoer can understand. The sacrifice of unleashing ones emotions can often times prove to be an inevitable mistake that will only cause a breakdown in oneself.

When I look at the choices that I have decided on, sometimes I think this can all end in a fairytale. Maybe he can be the one, and then reality begins to sink in and I understand within myself that he is not the one because of circumstance.

Dear God, grant me the serenity to understand that in this life, I believe I am meant to walk alone. Not with whom I would love to call my own, but with the memories of how that someone made my life feel complete. If only for a space in time, patches of moments combined.

After so many years of unsure and unmatched love, it is refreshing to feel the love of another. But the expense of seeing this person suffer from your love, only makes you feel so selfish you can no longer stand it. Selfish and not selfless.

If I were selfless I would let go of all the love and emotion I feel for him and say look go and be happy. Unfortunately, my heart is selfish and does not want to loose this one moment of happiness and love despite his pain. If I give myself to him, and not complain about the situation or the possible outcome of the situation I may see myself sitting right in this moment in time and not waivering.

Will this hinder me from finding the man that is meant to be my destiny, but what if I let go of my personal enjoyment and fulfillment for the fairytale of a love that will never come. But in my life the hopes of the fairytale come true never seems to be a realistic goal. Always hoping and wishing for a love that is not going to ever come never really amounts to anything more than just wasted years and dreams that could be used on more relevent details of my existence.

So I am here.

Here at the cusp of a new day, with a decision weighing on my mind harder than any decision that I have ever had to make. The decision to end 11 years of marriage and pain that has not amounted to much more than years of hopeless dreams was not even thought upon like this. Because fear dictates that I am unsure that I will be given this opportunity again.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! At this time, my heart is no longer concerned about the details of time, if he doesn't make a move then I won't. I feel the time for me to have let go was tonight, but because I don't want to lose the closest thing to best I have had, I hold on. Typical path for this hopeless romantic. So for now, I will enjoy and say "se la vi".

My hope and prayer is that he loves me for a long time. At least long enough for my soul to heal. And long enough for the time when we are to part ways to reapproach itself with ease and not the pain I sometimes think we are destined for.

To love is the purest form of compassion and I am in love with him. So until the day that love deminishes and turns into the ugly pain I am destined for I will love hard, love long, and love him with all my heart.

Signing off~

My True Feelings About U

I wake up with the desire to talk to you. I dream with the hopes of one day waking up next to your side. I lay in bed with the memories of your body laying next to mine. All the time remembering that I will never have you to myself, in the way that that my heart desires.

You speak of a life I could live. Although loyalty and love has you attempting, to make what you have work right and live the life you have been dreaming.

I could let you go and free myself from these thoughts that plague me, but the thought of not talking to you or having you in my day makes me feel as though my days will be neverending.

I fear that if I tell you I want you to myself, the pressure of what that requires will make you quiver and leave. That is definitely not what I desire. However my burning desire to love you has been set aside for the desire to see you flourish, no matter what as I support you through your trials.

In another time and space you would have seemed to be my soul mate, the one I could always adore. I consider the timing of years past and think had we met I would have been the one.

But instead I sit in silence and nurture the better part of us, our friendship is more important than any relationship we could ruin to part us. And yet because my destiny is not dictated by the present, I choose to let my actions and choices in this hour guide me to live freely in my tomorrow, which may someday include that which goes unspoken.

I love you and will enjoy this ride til we part! Dedicated to my U!! Signing off~