Just a thought, random of sorts. If I had to be a flower which flower would I be. A daisy, no because everytime I hear the word I think of someone flukee. A lily, naw baby, that seems morbid and dead, lifeless and boring. I would have to be a rose...

Although as common the response is, there is a reason why. First I don't know many flowers, I am allergic. (Just to make ya laugh)

But to think of the rose. It starts out so meek and precious, on the surface seemingly inviting. But when you look at a rose really good, the part you hold on to is thorny and painful. Like any wound to extend the life once plucked you put a little salt on the wound. Then after it is dead and gone, it is still beautiful because under pressure its beauty is sealed for a life time.

I enjoy pressing roses. The color is like no other, even under those circumstances. And although you may think you have killed it after removing the beautiful pedals, the thorny portion that remains rooted in who it is, blossoms into the same beautiful flower produced before it was picked on. And those thorns that were there all along the stem have harden and multiplied giving an armour many would avoid.

I am that rose. I have been wounded, plucked, pressed, but my firm roots of who I am keep me strong. While my thorns that were there to protect me before stand taller with new thorns there to make it even more difficult to take me again. And above this strength you find my beauty. Because my purpose is to produce beauty, I can only be what I am. No matter what color I come out. I come out more vibrant than you saw me before.

This rose is permenantly seeled in time. Colors forever remain. I am Shadreana beautiful, strong, creative in my pedals, unique and full of grace. Undeniably irreplacable by the beauty of any other flower! Because I am. I am the best God has to offer!!

Feeling myself and my strength right now. Proud of my steps that I have made. Although everyone has room for improvement. There is something to be said for realizing your own beauty through the test of time. I am a testament of how life, hurts, pain, despair can change to create a passion for life like no other. And I love and appreciate who I have become! No need for applause by any other. I love myself, even if there is no other!!! Muah Feelin myself right now!!! I <3 ME!!

I am laughing at things right now, that may not be too funny. I remember the days I would be under you like a wart, and now you try and jump at the chance to move when I move. Hahahahahaha....is it that you know I done let go of a lot of the stress. Or have you just realized you dealing with the best.

You see the way they look now, like dang I wish she was mine! You hear the words I hear, man you sure are fine! I figure it like this...7 pregnancies, 9 years of stress, and a lifetime of hurt later....I am far from a dime...you better put the $100 bills in the place where the coin slot broke down. I am who I am sexy and free. I am who I am undeniably me.

I know you like them ugly, dumb, and not too neat; but you got yourself a real woman....and I bet you gonna pay me! Pay me some attention, pay me with your time...don't forget the Benjamin's cuz ya girl still love to shine!


LOL just in a bit of a moment, smelling my charm. My swagga is constantly on F..full cuz I'm number 1!!!

WTF Eva

Ok so I figure myself to be an open-minded person. Who trusts no one!!! and keeps it tight like that. Well obviously if you have hurt me before your ass is definitely in the no fly zone to do it again. So when you say you have to work for indefinitely weeks straight do I believe that shit, HELL No!!! Look bruh I am trying to give ya ass some trust but you and me ain't ever gonna be on that level. Am I sweating ya ass no...I keeps myself occupied.

So when I call ya ass to ask you what's the hell is up I don't think you at work? Don't catch no fuckin additude with me, because additude = GUILT in my book. Bitch you may have gotten away with the shit before but unfortunately ya girl done stepped up her game, made some changes, and learned the art of speed dial.

Ya ass can be replaced....TOTALLY with no questions asked. Keep acting like you know my name and I know good and damn well you don't!!!

No Strings

I'm thinking that a woman scorned is not what she used to be! Women today are really, not only tired of the bullshit, but have learned to play the game!

Why sit and wait to cry again, when you can just take care of you!

I am no longer defined by my husband which is probably why we are doing so much better, but I see it bothers him, when I take my stance and don't let down. Hey you should have appreciated the dumb bitch who would run behind you, but now I done had a major reality check that says, "Your approval is unneccessary!" Yes this is an inconvenience to the others who used to run me over, and play with my strings, because when I cut the strings and took control. I CUT THEM ALL! All for me!

Now I take pride in the pimp of my step and let not others judge me. Yes I wear my tongue ring, love my tats, but underneath it all I am still me. The girl turned woman that can mesmerize with a smile. I will still do for others, but on my own terms and conditions.

I am no longer the one that sits on the shelf and when you remember you need to dust me off, I am there.

You almost better be careful, because it is strongly becoming my belief that turnabout is fair play! I always heard payback was that name you used to call me!

Just had the cruelest thought pass through my head for know reason...Wasn't even thinking of anyone...But it was this


If we were in a sinking ship, I would push you out and watch you drown and laugh at the fun we spent...

Seriously not understanding it, but oh well...Maybe I am supressing some anger lmao...MAYBE!

Paths

Ever had a suggestion and did not know how to respond. Even though they were wrong, you just did not know how to respond. Well I have the tool...ignore it! When advice is given it is up to the person to process the advice and apply it if needed. In this case it went un-needed. I am enjoying my days, enjoying my life a little more everyday. Freedom and responsibility work hand and hand. If you want freedom, you have to be responsible. For me it is simply being able to lay in my bed all day no questions asked. Do I get to do it all the time, but the occassional lazy day can be forgiven, lol. Same thing with other issues, I may not partake of the forbidden fruit often but when I do it is out of the reach of others.

To each his own. My path is not your path. My fate is not your fate. My hope is not your hope. My belief is not your belief. Why?? We all have to make a decision in life that will set us apart from others. A decision that speaks bounds to who you are. Although we may not actively participate or indulge in things that are what we are or are good for us, everyone has their forbidden fruit. No matter how you slice it, it is forbidden for a reason. We just have to live each day hoping to find another way.

I am also finding that some things I grew up believing I am starting to question. It is hard because to me the things that are concerning me are very harsh. Another topic another day, this one may take a while.

Wonder

U ever been confused..Don't know what to make of a situation. Past events just clouding your mind. I sit in that state right now, not know if it is really true anymore. Yes the proof comes weekly but the fact that I am having a hard time believing it is a legit is harder than it seems. It just seems like it can't be true. Illegal even. So I watch and wait. Lookng out the window, waiting to see what time tonight. I could drive out there, and as with times before not find what I am looking for because it is dark and I am lost. If I believe him and it turns out bad, my heart will be crushed again! But not totally because this time, I got something to retaliate with. Yes I said it. This time, I am playing my cards right and the egg will not just be smeared on my face. Does it matter that I can not trust him?? Yes. But no. He made this life. And I will not be the mat ever again!

The Meaning of It All

I woke up this morning, in rare form, awake before it was time to get up and get dressed. Although, I knew my meeting would be great, I was nervous. It seems there is so much going on in my life and head right now. And I just want to know what the meaning of it all is.

People often say if you are not living according to a master plan you are not living, but I do enjoy the sporadic incedents of my life. Being a mother and wife is important but that is not all that I am. I am a worker, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a motivator to a lot of people; but who motivates me.

Some people question your sincerety in situations, but don't understand you spend the better part of your night waking up thinking, processing situations that occur. I live in the past, but I live for today. There is no meaning in that. My task is simple. Not only live everyday like it is my last but find purpose in what I am living. Beyond parenthood.

Oh well. Good luck to me. Maybe one day I will figure it out!