Ok. So. Where do I begin? A good place would seemingly be from the beginning.
Wasn't it you who promoted these emotions between the two of us...only because it was the best pick up line you could come up with? Wasn't it you, who asked if our souls had a connection greater than we are acknowledging at this time? Wasn't it you who in a moment of randomness called me as I sat in the drive-thru of a McDonald's waiting on a McFlurry who expressed that loving me was not totally out of the question and maybe there is more to our friendship? Then again on the same instance it was you who said, I am not the man you need right now...with the right now just being a cushion to the fact that you knew you had damaged a part of my heart that would stand to be irrepairable!
So here it is..almost a year of friendship, sexual relationship, 2 separations, 11 kids, weekends together, complete nights of conversation, song and laughter, tears and screams, fears and cheers...we are here at a place that is kind of awkward. It is almost like you have forgotten all of the things that YOU said to me. It is like you have decided to take back certain notions that I was letting go that you brought back.
Our end will only be as great as we make it. If it is friendship that will survive through everything, I have said it before I will take the friendship. Am I looking for love anywhere else...the answer is NO. Am I looking for someone to date because I am tired of feeling confused about us on a regular basis. Yes! Will you ever be replaced by anyone in my heart...Lord knows I have no idea. But what I do know is this: I love you. No questions asked. There is nothing anyone can say that has and will change that. I have tried, I have listened to things you say and tried. It just isn't going to change.
Does that make me a fool? Yes and no. Yes, because it will probably only result in a hurt that my poor heart will have to go through yet again eventually. And no because I told God the next time I love again I want him to be my friend first.
Am I patient enough to see where this may end up, yes because I am not living for you to sweep me off my feet. Been swept a long time ago. What I am waiting for is you to heal from the situation you face now and I would love to do that without my heart being a distraction. Unfortunately you have honed in on the one thing that I try to keep to myself.
It hurts knowing you don't love me like I love you, but I was built Ford tough and have seemingly learned to accept our relationship as it is. Weird and demented as it is. But in the end I would not ask for anything more.
What do I mean? I only want love. I take care of myself and my own, and although I am in a rough patch in my life I will be on top again! You can't hold a good woman down. Your very happiness means the world to me. Just seeing your smile heals more wounds than you know. I already take care of much that a wife/girlfriend or whatever would take care of so there is no difference there.
I love you. I am in love with you. We mesh well. Truth is, had I not gone back to my husband a few years ago and you were still single and our paths crossed I believe we probably would have been in this position then. But life happens everyday.
Love also happens everyday. It was amazing to see all our kids interacting like it was normal that there were so many. Your daughters asking questions about us, that all I could do was chuckle to and making statements like "yall should be together". It was weird and different. I didn't mind telling them no I am just his best friend. Because I hold that position more dear than any other that I could ever fulfill!! Because our friendship is genuine!! But at the end of the day so is my love for you. If I ever thought there was hope for anything more I would take my time with it even still because that is something that I would never want to mess up.
I trust you to be who you are. I love you because of who you are. The rest only time will tell, but I am not in a rush to see it unfold.
So now, if you have any question of how I feel...let it go. I love you, but I am willing to put that to the back to keep our friendship safe any day!
