I wake up and wonder if it is all a dream. Realizing that my love life is a nightmare.
Is it too much to ask for to be in a healthy fulfilling relationship with someone who understands your wants, needs, and desires. Someone that finds joy in helping make life easier with you.
I am not asking for the perfect man, I am asking for the perfect man for me.
I feel like I have dedicated so many years to a disaster. Instead of applying my time and joy into being with someone that appreciates love of a dedicated woman.
So now, I move on. Enjoying just the simple conversations with someone that understands most of me. Although it is not conversations with him, I don't know if I even want the conversations with him. At this point I believe my him is out there somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow perhaps, waiting on the right opportunity to proclaim his love and devotion. But if and when the appropriate time comes, will I see him? Will I feel him? Will I need him? Will I want him?
I carry the scars of many of the relationships of my past and present. I am good enough not to love wholeheartedly despite the fact that I love unconditionally. I provide the fine balance of joy and wonder, but receive only the pain of selfish despair.
But through it all, my strength is my uncanny ability to act as if it does not matter. The portrait I have learned to paint so no one will shatter my desire. The heart speaks loudly, and mine is screaming.
Yes, I realize that fairytales will not come true because they do not exist. But being a hopeless romantic does not change.
I am hopelessly addicted to the thought and pursuit of a love untaimed by time, space, and reality.
Too bad I am all alone in this. Loneliness is not marked by the time spent alone, but by the time the heart spends untouched. It is not able to be filled by only the maternal relationships, or the friendships of those that see your pain. But it is fulfilled by the touch of the one who knows where your weakness is.
Filled by the one who can kiss your bad away. Can make love to you until your body quivers from the passion and desire exuding in their touch. The given, unspoken love that only a soul can feel through the penetration of the heart.
Although thoughts of sexual acts may cloud this judgement. Only the one that holds the heart can heal the loneliness, because when it is all over the pain is gone, and they are still there massaging the wound until the scar is removed.
I am looking for unbridaled passion, love, erotic stimulation, mixed with conversations for the moment, and the thought that it will happen as much as I like because they want me as not only their wife. But their friend and lover, it will be a dream come true to find that someone who is closer than you!
Signing off~
